Dear Friend,

The holidays can bring out the best in us—and sometimes, the hardest truths about the people we love.

We gather around tables, exchange gifts, and hope for warmth and connection. Yet, for many of us, the holidays are also a painful reminder of fractured relationships, unspoken wounds, and unmet expectations.

Maybe you’ve felt it too—that ache for a parent, sibling, or extended family member to show up for you in a way they never have. The longing for their words to build you up instead of tearing you down. The hope that this year might be the year they finally see you for who you are, not who they need you to be. Maybe you are struggling with your relationship with an adult child or stepchild and hoping this year they will come back to center and reconcile with you.

But what happens when that hope isn’t met?

Seeing People for Who They Are, Not Who We Wish They’d Be

Hurtful words or actions from family members—especially during the holidays—can feel like betrayal.

After all, these are the people who are supposed to love us most. But sometimes, their pain, their unhealed wounds, or their inability to be what we need becomes clear.

And here’s the hardest part: You can’t love someone back to health.

No matter how much compassion we extend, no matter how hard we try to be the perfect daughter, son, sibling, or spouse, our love alone can’t heal someone else’s pain. And their behavior, no matter how understandable when you trace its roots, doesn’t excuse the harm it causes.

Boundaries Are an Act of Love

When a family member says or does something hurtful, it’s clarity.

Clarity that their actions reflect their own struggle, not your worth.

Clarity that, no matter how much you love them, they may not be a safe space for you.

Loving someone doesn’t mean absorbing their pain.

It doesn’t mean tolerating hurtful behavior for the sake of “family.” In fact, the most loving thing you can do—for them and yourself—is to set boundaries.

Boundaries are not about punishment; they’re about preservation.

They allow you to say:

• "I see your pain, but I won’t let it hurt me anymore."
• "I love you, but I can’t be your punching bag."
• "I hope for your healing, but I can’t make it happen for you."

A Holiday Shift

This holiday season, if you find yourself in the presence of someone who has caused you pain, I encourage you to shift your perspective. Instead of wishing they’d become the person you need them to be, accept them as they are—with all their imperfections and limitations.

Acceptance doesn’t mean closeness. It doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior or pretending it doesn’t hurt.

It means releasing the expectation that your love can fix them. It means loving yourself enough to say:

"I see you, and I see the pain you haven’t healed from—the pain you’ve inflicted on me. But I’m no longer willing to absorb it. I love you enough to let go of the hope that you’ll become someone else. And I love myself enough to protect my peace."

You Deserve Peace

The holidays aren’t about perfect families—they’re about love. And sometimes, the greatest act of love is letting go of the idea of who someone should be and accepting who they are, while protecting your heart in the process.

If you find yourself wrestling with these truths this holiday season, know that you’re not alone. There is strength in setting boundaries, and there is peace in accepting what is. You can love someone and still protect yourself.

You can grieve what they aren’t and still be grateful for what you are.

This season, give yourself the gift of peace, clarity, and love.

If you would like help geting to this place of peace and acceptance, let's talk.

God's Peace,

Heather Hetchler, MA

www.HeatherHetchlerCoaching.com