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V.3 N.33 TSN from MGM

"Fear of Failure...Seeing Success" Days 976-981

,

As most Sundays, I spent a little time lookin' over a week of journal entries. But, for this note, I mostly reflected on this morning. Three questions are on my mind:

1. Why do I feel fear?
2. Why aren't I scared of things that other people fear?
3. What do I do when I feel that fear?

Anyone else? I mean, it's not just that it's Halloween, right? I know that I fear things, and they aren't dressed up going door to door tonight. There are all kinds of scary things to think about if I let myself think about life, work, love, health, wealth, and... you get it.

Real. Things.

***

On weekends, we do not set the alarm for the morning. Last night I told Jodi, "I'll wake up when I wake up." And, this morning, that happened to be 0449. Why? My mind was goin' all over the place. Yesterday, I received my latest assignment back from a professor, earning me the lowest grade on an assignment I've received as a doctoral student/candidate.

Now, old me (I'm talkin' "me" almost 35 years ago) would have been over the moon with an 87/100. But current me? Yeah, he went into fear.

• False
• Expectations
• Appearing
• Real

That's what fear LOOKS like when I write it. But, what it SOUNDS like is something much, much bigger (deeper, scarier):

• What if...
• They find out...
• I won't be able to graduate...
• I better get up right now 'cause I can't sleep...

Now, "not-so-old" me (maybe 20 years ago) would have gotten out of bed and immediately started studying, going over assignments, reading the requirements, stressing about all that I'd have to do this week.

But that isn't what I did. Instead, I slowed everything down. Instead, I did what I know I need to do more: I saw.

Yup, I sat on the couch and closed my eyes. I spent 3 minutes (how long it takes to make my coffee...thanks, Nespresso!) actually SEEING 15 May 2022. Now, since I've never been to a USC Doctoral graduation, I didn't know what I was supposed to see.

Instead, I imagined... or, imaged in.

I visualized my friends and my professors. I saw the campus and the blue sky above. I imagined my parents there, and Jodi, and any other of my old CA friends who might be in town.

Most of all, I let myself see myself as successful.

Before I knew it, my coffee was ready and it was time to go upstairs. And, yes, for the next 3 hours, I dove DEEP into the course content I'm takin'. And, you know what? I'll be a better researcher because of it.

Fear... I don't take it lightly.

I don't let it run me anymore, either.

Best from 'Bama,

JW

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How did The Note* from MGM (Montgomery, AL) begin?

After being here for just less than a week, I opened up my email to send a note to my family in friends in California and beyond. Jodi was on her way to join me here, so I took some time to reflect on this significant life decision/change I had initiated. That Tuesday, January 22nd, 2019, I sent an email at 9:38 pm (or, as I was beginning to learn: 2138). Here's how it started:

Today was my first day as an employee of the United States Air Force. And, I am bold enough to say I've never been prouder or more excited to serve a community.

Though I "moved" to Alabama last Wednesday [Jodi plans to be here Monday], I went to my New Employee Orientation just today. The 90-minute briefing culminated in me taking the Oath:

"I, Jason Womack, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well; and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter. So help me God."

All at the same time, I felt pride, Honor, and a hefty dose of responsibility. I'm helping leaders on a grand scale.

*The following Sunday, and many subsequent Sundays!, I've sent a note to my family and friends. Thanks for reading, and gratitude (more!) for clicking reply and letting me know what YOU'RE reflecting on!