7 May 2023, sent from Montgomery

"The Note"…sharin' what I'm thinkin' AND feelin' about with you

Y.5 N.6: "I am a man"

…and they said to me, "You got more opportunities than I did because you're a male."

It was a strange, albeit interesting, way to end my day last Friday, my last day of serving in the unit I moved here to teach within the program I gave myself to.

Those who read my last few notes know I am 100% committed to my work. Most mornings, I wake up before the alarm clock. Often, I find myself on my Peloton reviewing my Dataminr updates. Or, on a walk around the neighborhood, listening to a book on Audible. All of that happened before I got to the building every day.

When TDY (on the road, working with groups around the force), I intended to replicate my routines… in hotel rooms or on-base lodging. The intent was always to be all in.

No matter where I am or what I do, I am always working to be me... at my best.

At the end of my last day in my previous unit, I conversed with a co-worker I'd worked around for the past 4 years and 3 months. While our backgrounds are wildly different, and I've only got an Ed.D., and they have a Ph.D., I wasn't ready for what they said. 

As we talked about the past 4+ years that I'd been here and some of the work that I had done, they looked at me and said that I had gotten more opportunities because I'm a man. It wasn't said in an accusatory way; it was more matter of fact.

And, it's true. Both of them are true.

I got more opportunities.

I am a man.

I got home that night and sat on the back patio with a drink. I opened my leader book, and on top, I wrote the words: "I am…" with three dots at the end. Here are just a few of the bullets:

• White
• Male
• 5'4" 
• Married
• A son
• A brother
• A friend
• A former triathlete
• A best-selling author
• A cousin
• A coach

Then, the bullets turned into sentences…and I kept writing.

And some paragraphs showed up. I'm not going to copy them here. Then, I took what I wrote by hand and typed it up and let myself keep thinking… and connected my thinking to a framework I've been using to help my leaders lead their people. As you read this, I will ask you to focus on something that has your attention, something still on your mind…and heart.

Me, I'm thinking about what it means to be…a man.

//

So, there are THREE (3) kinds of conversations we can have "after…."

"After what?" you ask.

After anything. I won't go into detail on that; suffice it to say when you do a thing (or go to a place, or participate in something…you get the point), you leave, and you'll talk with someone. What you discuss, it will be one of these three:

1. You can talk about it
2. You can talk because of it
3. You can talk so that something happens

*** I include three book suggestions

at the end of this note ***

Talk About

When I present this to audiences, I like to say that "talking about" is easy; it's sexy even. I mean, there is so much there! When Jodi was told she no longer had a job four weeks ago, we spent a bit of time talking "about" how it happened. As I look back on the past 4+ years since we moved from Ojai to Montgomery to do this work, it's easy to talk "about" it.

In fact, the foundation of my doctoral work was on just that: Reflection. 

A reflective conversation is one where we talk about what happened; we discuss the past. These conversations are focused on understanding what has already occurred, explaining it, and (trying to) make sense of it. During these discussions (or, for those of you who do journal), we can analyze what happened, share our thoughts and feelings, and even learn from the experience.

This kind of conversation is helpful for processing experiences.

Talk Because Of

The second kind of conversation picks up where the "about" leaves off; namely, we move from the past to the present. Friday night, I spent a good half-hour journaling "because of" the conversation at the end of my work day. These kinds of conversations require that I leave the past behind… literally. I'd call them "generative" conversations.

Generative conversations are those where people talk because of something that has happened. These conversations are focused on exploring new ideas and possibilities and generating new insights and perspectives. These conversations occur after specific events or situations. Here, we'd discuss our reactions to an event, its implications, or the emotions it has stirred.

Reactive conversations often help us navigate through situations, make decisions, or cope with the event's aftermath.

Talk So That

And, the THIRD kind of conversation we can have "after" is what I call:

"A So That…conversation."

This is big; trust me, I'm in it and have been a LOT more lately. When Jodi was told she no longer had a job and when I was told that I got more opportunities because I'm a man, as I reflect on the work I aim to do in the foreseeable future, I am focused on taking all that's happened and asking myself: 

"What conversation do I want to have 'so that' something happens?"

I want to name these transformative conversations … discussions where you and I get to sit face to face and talk "so that" something else happens; something changes. These conversations can create change, requiring we take action toward achieving some result.

Another way to think about this would be to call them: "Proactive conversations." Here, you and I would take the first two conversations – we'd talk ABOUT and BECAUSE OF – and then discuss the possibilities for the future, plans we could make, or actions we could take. These conversations focus on problem-solving, strategizing, and planning, intending to bring about change or achieve a specific goal.

As I reflect on last Friday afternoon, I'm focused on some of the things I'll discuss next week. While I want to say, "I know who I am," I am mature AND humble enough to know that who (and what) I am means that my words and actions carry different weight. I aim to be better as I step into a future I'm making with you. 

When you want to chat, let's meet for a #zoomCoffee or #zoomBeer. I'll keep the calendar open (scroll down here: https://sleek.bio/jw 

//

Oh, one more thing… I start my new position tomorrow (I've updated LinkedIn!). If you have a 1-2 minute piece of advice, please record it for me? I aim to turn everything everyone says into a movie. Here's the link: https://share.vidday.com/e/o-cwvf1n

I love you very much and am here if you need/want to talk. Take care out there, and take care of one another…

Sincerely,

JW

If you wanna share "The Note," just send this link to your friends: https://sendfox.com/jw 

"Gift from the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh (1955) – She wrote this book not long after her son was kidnapped and murdered. She shares her grieving process and meditations on life, love, and the nature of relationships. Having spent time on the beaches of California and Hawaii, I felt connected to some of the concepts that Mrs. Lindbergh shared. Her writing pushed me to reflect on my experiences and grow my relationships. I think some of why I'm so happy is that I feel so lucky compared to people who have had it really, really hard. If you need an exploration of self-discovery, balance, and the importance of solitude, read this book!

"The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity" by Julia Cameron (1992) – Ok, I had just turned 20 when this book came out. Still, I didn't get a copy until 1998. That's when I joined a writing group and learned the power of "morning pages." Ms. Cameron helped me move "write" through writer's block and (re)discover my creative self. I followed her exercises and focused on self-exploration. I completed her 12-week program (coincidentally, at the same time as I went through Anthony Robbins' original cassette tape personal power productivity program). This book will help you through a 90-day program to dive DEEP into your own "because of" Identifying personal and professional goals, and set you up to take action…

"Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life" by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell (2002) – I know, I know, it's almost not far… I mean, Byron Katie is from Ojai! 

But, her four questions are SOLID, and for those of us who practice using them, we have experienced (over and over again) what happens when we take the "about" and "because of" and then focus on the future.

1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3. How do you react? What happens when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

These questions are tricky as they "look" like they are past and/or present. Still, when you stop and REALLY ask them and then REALLY discuss them, you might set the stage for new understanding and beliefs and embrace a more accepting and peaceful way of life.