The Note Year 5 Number 2

Easter, 2023

9 Apr, sent from Montgomery, AL

"The Note" = sharin' what I'm thinkin' feelin’

(In case you didn't receive it... I'm going to start this up again!)

What Do They Feel?

Years ago, Jodi and I earned our master's degrees in Spiritual Psychology, studying the Physical, Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual aspects (and impacts) of being human. From October of 2001 until the summer of 2003, we learned, laughed, cried, and wrote our way through learning how to be...better.

I wrote my paper on the impact of self-talk on performance. Since then, I have immersed myself in the question:

“In the after…what happens?”

• After I hang up the phone.
• After I close the class in Zoom.
• After I walk out of the room.
• After I initiate a difficult conversation.

Earning a master’s in psychology is one thing; studying Spiritual Psychology is on a whole other level. During one lesson - I want to say in our second year - I brought up the concept of "making people feel" a certain way.

I remember one of my teachers said something like:

"No one can make you feel any certain way.

You choose how you respond."

I work around people who must show up. If a boss sends an email, or a subordinate to that boss relays a message, that person is going to go. Of course, you and I know they don't HAVE to go...but, if someone has chosen a job, their leader tells them to be somewhere, and they want to KEEP their job, they're going to "have" to show up.

Today, I reflect on "No one can make you feel any certain way” in a whole new way.

It isn't how it works. That idea doesn’t scale.

My lens is that of an expert in emotional intelligence, a credentialed leadership and life coach, and a Doctor of Education, earning my degree through the study of reflection, reflective practice, and organizational change. Those are the “rose-colored” glasses I am looking through.

Let's back up...can one person make another person feel a way?

How about an example...a personal reflection.

Math Hurt 

When I was in third grade, my mom's second husband sat me down to oversee me doing my homework. When I was about 8 years old, that was the year I was supposed to learn (really, to memorize) my multiplication tables.

He told me to put my hands, palms down, on the table in front of us both. He'd give me two numbers to multiply. When I got one wrong, "BAM"...down came a metal spatula on my knuckles.

Oh, and I wasn't supposed to cry.

I was told that only sissies cried. He was one who made me say, when I was 6 years old after older boys made fun of me at school, that "sticks and stones might break my bones but names will never hurt me."

So, back to those questions:

Did he make me feel a certain way? Did I choose to feel a certain way because of those study sessions?

Either. Or both.

It doesn't matter. You know what's amazing?

I've long forgotten the pain associated with the smack of metal, but to this day I can tell you that I have "a thing" with math. I know that I associate that orchestrated, facilitated, and manipulated environment with numbers.

So, when you ask me, "How many touchdowns make up the final score 35-21 in an NFL game," just give me one extra moment, ok? I know a part of my brain is going back in time to deal with those memories just before I’m going to come back and be present with you in the now...

Serendipitously (or not!), at the beginning of this month, a mentor of mine recommended the book "Team Human" by Douglas Rushkoff. I downloaded it to my phone and read it over the next two days. Thank you; while nothing could have prepared me for Thursday and Friday last week, looking back on some of my highlights of that book are helping me.

My life-long focus on leading change through education, experiential gatherings, and emotional-cognitive coaching, made last week especially challenging.

Yes, I'm choosing to feel.

Last week, someone in our world got leadership wrong. My job on the planet became more important last Thursday at 0900 when my wife texted me this message:

"I think I'm getting fired at 1pm today."

I’m not here to deny that shift happens; I know that often, change needs to happen. I have seen things run their course. I will never expect anything I have not earned.

I am here, writing to you all today to join me and wonder:

When we’re about to have an important conversation, what feeling could you organize, orchestrate, facilitate, or manipulate?

Me? I want to be on the right side of history. I want to be the one they tell a story BECAUSE OF, not about what I did or didn’t do. I want to be better so that they walk away...better because we were together.

I Need Your Help

When I get it right, I need to know.

When I get it wrong - and I know I will - I need help in righting that wrong.

Better yet, here's my learning from last week:

Because we ALL will have a chance to bring someone into our space - whether to congratulate, course-correct, or fire them - let's wonder,

"When they walk away, what feeling will they bring forward a week from now, a month from now, 5 years from now?"

After 18 months of giving her heart, body, and mind to an organization she believed in and a team she trusted, Jodi was set up, ambushed, and fired.

It happened in a one-way transaction that lasted less than 60 seconds.

We moved to Montgomery because leaders got the “human domain” wrong. As I send you this today, I’m saddened and inspired that I have job security.

If you want to reach out to Jodi, she could use upliftment. I'd love to talk if you want to help us figure out what we’re doing next. What I’m not going to do is go back in time and wonder, “Why? How?”

I will be bigger.

I love you,

JW

I wrote this on LinkedIn, link here:

There are humans…being.

There are hearts…beating.

Love...

An emotion that connects us, one that transcends time and space.

A force unparalleled.

The essence of an individual and their emotional intelligence manifests itself in how their understanding of love is directed, conveyed, or withheld.

It’s what makes a human…being.

There are those who contend that we lack the power to "cause" others to feel specific emotions.

I vehemently disagree.

In our role as leaders, we have the chance to construct, steer, coordinate, and even govern the atmospherics of emotion.

We - those who invite others to join us in a room, class, or meeting - shape the very essence of human experience and interaction.

With our words and our way of being we can organize, facilitate, orchestrate, or manipulate the environment.

We – as leaders – possess the ability to plan, enable, direct, or influence an environment that amplifies or diminishes love.

My mission?

It’s clear; more crystal than ever.

To join forces in order to raise us all higher.

There are humans…being.

There are hearts…beating.

Uplift love.

Join me.

Together…we prevail.