StarDate 2024.0204 sent from Montgomery, AL

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool.”

~ Richard Feynman, American Theoretical Physicist

Y.6 N.4: Don't "you" me when you're talking about you

Hi ,

I’m exploring self-connection, an element of personal and professional growth.

If you read Angela Duckworth's book called Grit, you will see she wrote:

"Gritty people train at the edge of their comfort zone."

Do you know what I have found makes some people uncomfortable? Talking in the “I” language. Oh, and they have all the excuses.

• There’s no “I” in team.
• I don’t want people to think it’s all about me.
• It’s all about we!
• Talking about myself is uncomfortable.
• We're a team!

While ALL that is true, there is a time and a place talk about you. Especially when we ask!

Let’s run an experiment. Find a blank page and title it, “My leader and leadership philosophy…”

Then, could you write? At least a page. More if you dare. What are your beliefs? What do you accept? What do you expect - of yourself and others? What is it about you, your history, and your future that makes you lead the way you do?

If you do this, please take a picture and send it to me. (Use the QR code below.)

I’ll look for two words: "I" and “you.”

Tell Me About You

[WARNO: If I ask you for YOUR philosophy, I will look for “I” statements.]

This communication tool centers on YOU expressing YOUR feelings and needs without casting blame or judgment. Using the word "I" when you are writing about yourself contrasts sharply with the "you" statements some people use when they speak.

Utilizing "I" statements clarifies what you believe, stand for, won’t accept, and expect.

This is honest…clear…raw…vulnerable…authentic. It allows you to OWN your emotions and CONNECT with your perspective(s). When you talk with me about you - and you DO talk about you - it could lead us toward a deeper, more empathetic understanding of one another and bring us closer.

This can enhance the quality of our personal and professional relationships.

The journey of “connecting to self” is significantly influenced by the language I use to express my inner experiences and needs. When I authentically articulate my feelings, desires, and boundaries, I at least let you know where I stand. When I let you know that I'm not 100% comfortable and will do the best I can 'cause I want to help and serve, I am opening up.

Kinda like I did last weekend when I was accepted to volunteer alongside amazing leaders!

When I open up to you, I aim to build a stronger relationship with myself (first) and you (next) through this linguistic approach. The goal is simple: to set a solid foundation for holistic development, underscoring the indispensable role of self-communication in personal growth​​.

If I ask you to tell me about yourself, and your leader(ship) philosophy, I’ve got THREE (3) reasons I hope you’ll use the word “I” and not “you” when you are telling about… you and your own philosophy.

1)   You practice self-empathy.

Oh, what a way to connect to self…to acknowledge self! I hope that you treat yourself with kindness and understanding and follow Brené Brown’s advice to "Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love."​

Talking in “I” language fosters deeper self-understanding and emotional resilience.

2)   You get to be vulnerable.

It’s all the rage these days; so many “strong skills” training courses encourage people to share themselves more…and more about themselves. One of my favorite quotes by Colin Powell is, “There are no secrets to success. It results from preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.” Did you get that last part? If I’m going to learn from failure and use those learnings, it will probably be pretty good if I (1) stretch myself toward things I don’t yet know how to do, (2) try as I might, (3) fail a little bit – or a lot bit, (4) ask for help, and (5) use those lessons in my leader/ship philosophy.

(And, I promise… I rarely should on you).

3)   Be honest… with yourself.

Way back when, I wrote a book with my dad that explored a question: “When you say you’re going to do something for someone by a certain time…what happens when the organization experiences you are making good on that promise?”

Honesty is the cornerstone of building trust and openness with yourself and others. Angela Duckworth nailed it… saying that we embrace the trial-and-error process in the journey of growth and learning. This idea underscores that acknowledging our mistakes puts us on a path to personal development and improved team dynamics.

Here are 3 reasons to talk ABOUT you when you’re telling us ABOUT you:

Close the Distance:

You can close the gap between us when you share with me what you believe, have experienced, and hope for. Along the way, I’ll either resonate… or ask you for clarifying questions. In both cases, we can grow closer together through authentic conversation.

Reduce (or Remove) Generalizations:

When you “I” with me, you get specific. You might bring your past into the conversation, something you learned as a youth or in an old job. You may share something you’re going through or a hope/dream you have for the future. Using "you" can imply that the experience is not unique but universal, sometimes making me feel connected to the “you” who is talking.

Make it Edgy:

Next time a leader gets on stage to “give advice” (or worse, large-group mentoring!), listen carefully to her or him. When they tell “you” what “you should/could/must/have to do, it can soften the impact of the statement. I want hard. I want edgy. I want the real you… the you who has been around the block. You ready? Share “you” with me, don’t just tell me what I should do!

Why don’t I want you to “you” me?

If you’re talkin’ about YOUR leadership philosophy and say something like, “You need to…” or “You should…” or “You have to…” you’re telling me what you think MINE is. I haven’t shared mine yet… I mean not yet in this letter.

Nope, I’m askin’ you… for yours. I wanna know!

Sending big love from Alabama.

JW

PS: Hey, I just got the intuition to end this note with this:

If you need someone to talk to, cuss around, yell at, or cry alongside of, please call. I'll be here for and with you. Mobile# 805-798-1362

Take care...of you. It's important.

PPS: I had the chance to volunteer for a fantastic organization last weekend. While I thought I "didn't have time" and "I probably won't fit in," I can only say how thankful I am that the group let me participate how I could!



Text me what you write, if you write about you!