Hey there!

So this morning I saw a pretty famous video about mental health - the point of the video being that just because someone's smiling doesn't mean they're okay...

It made me think a bit about my current strategy for dealing with life's tosses and turns...

Currently I'm in therapy.

I've had a private therapist for about 3 or 4 years now...

And I have a love/hate kind relationship with him.

He's helped me through some pretty insane situations and for that I'm grateful.

But sometimes...

Sometimes all I really want to do is grab his head, stick it in the toilet and just flush it a few times before I let him up.

Why...

Because he holds me accountable at levels that I don't particularly like or enjoy.

I share this because accountability is the one thing we all kinda sorta say we want, but don't really want, but know if we did want, it would change our lives.

#sigh

Why so deep this morning?

Well...

Being an entrepreneur is one of the best and worst things that can happen to you...

As an entrepreneur...

You face and survive things that most people cannot even begin to imagine...

You go through unimaginable pain...

All in a colossal effort to birth the dream inside you.

That's a given.

Some of us lose our families...our friends...

Some of us lose our health...

Some of us go bankrupt...

Most of us are laughed at...

Mocked and ridiculed time and time again...

A good number of us allow all that pain to distract us...

But there are a few of us...

The elite entrepreneurial one percent...

Who remember and acknowledge one simple fact...

And that is that every experience...

Good or bad..

Has commercial value...

Every pain and hurt that you've been through can be leveraged for profit and future success...

You just need to know how to capture it...

Package it...

Pitch it and distribute it...

The key to abundant entrepreneurial success very often is not the absence of pain and failure...

It is in the leveraging of pain and failure, that most entrepreneurial success is birthed.

From Steve Jobs...to Zuckerberg...

From Abiola to Dangote...

From Ibidun Awoshika to Oprah

Name them and you will find...

We are all motivated, inspired, instructed and driven...

Not by our dreams per se...

But by our nightmares...

By our pain...

Do not waste the pain you've been through. 

Don't just go through it...

Grow through it. 

Leverage it. 

Profit from it. 

Pain is a terrible thing to waste.

That said...

Grief is a whole different kind of animal in the world of pain.

It's sneaky in the way it shows up and makes you feel justified in how you slowly but surely grind your life to a halt.

And if you let it...

It's like that wonderfully toxic relationship you cling on too...

Simply because without it...

You literally don't know who you are.

And a grieving entrepreneur who doesn't know how to be in relationship with grief is a very dangerous person to be around.

He/she/they #evillaugh will mess you up seven different ways Monday through Friday.

Last night...

After a bit of hypnotherapy, my therapist sent me an article on the 5 stages of grief.

It wasn't the first time I'd seen it but it felt like I was really seeing it for the first time...

It leaped out at me like a template for dating grief for your own good.

Let me share that with you.

BTW: I'm using "dating your grief" purely as a metaphor for dealing with grief.

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Victor Ekpo Bassey's Official Guide To Dating Your Grief

Stage 1

Recognition - The First Date

This is all about getting to know your grief intimately - it's whys, triggers and nuances.

What to do:

- Schedule "first dates" with your grief, where you sit with your emotions intentionally, observing them without judgment.

For me it's just been taking time to relive memories with my brother and Teclaire and make sense of what I'm feeling.

- Write a "dating profile" for your grief, describing its qualities, what triggers it, and when it tends to visit.

For me: Her name is Katrina and I'm not sure I like her anymore.

- Discuss your feelings about grief with friends as you would discuss a new relationship, exploring how it affects your life and what it makes you feel.

The only person I do that with is pretty much my therapist. I tend to be the sounding board for others.

Outcome: A thorough understanding of grief's personality, preparing you for deeper engagement.

Stage 2

Negotiation - Establishing Boundaries

This is about setting the terms of your relationship with grief, setting healthy boundaries that enable you to live with each other.

What to do

- Negotiate "visiting hours" with your grief, set specific times when you are open to fully engaging with it. This helps prevent grief from overwhelming your daily life.

I had an interesting talk with Katrina about this. She didn't like it much. And rudely popped up when she wasn't invited acting sexy and all.

But I stood my ground and laid the law. Now she behaves.

- Have "serious talks" with your grief during these times, discussing how it can be a part of your life without messing you up. Use techniques like meditation to talk with grief, expressing needs and setting limits.

I pretty much use hypnotherapy and man, these conversations have been intense.

Katrina wants to marry me but I'm only interested in staying friends.

#evillaugh

- Develop "safe words" or signals that remind you when it’s time to step back, ensuring that grief respects your space.

Err...mine is "Bitch move! Get outta ma way!" She likes it when I talk dirty.

Outcome: A respectful and balanced relationship where grief knows its boundaries and adheres to them.

Step 3

Integration - Moving In Together

This is about accepting your grief as a permanent resident in your life, making it okay for it to be a healthy part of your emotional household.

What to do

- Plan "anniversaries" with your grief to acknowledge and respect its presence in your life, reflecting on how your relationship with it has grown and stabilized.

I've marked out dates on my calendar next year when Katrina and I can hang out and celebrate Eyo and Teclaire.

- Celebrate the strengths you have gained from this experience: deeper emotional insight or empathy, wisdom etc.

Every now and again I say thank you to God for the gift of knowing these two amazing people.

- Continue to check in with your grief, just as you would with a partner you live with, understanding that some days are good and others are tough, but you are in it together.

Outcome: A mature, ongoing relationship with grief, where it contributes to the depth and richness of your emotional life without dominating it.

==========================

That's what I got from the 5 stages of grief last night.

I might work on it some more...

Call it EMBRACE: Turning grief into growth in life and at the market place

What do you think?

Let me know.

Till tomorrow

Get out of your own way.

CTM.