Hey Listening People,
Here's a short story from life inspired by today's listening table. Now that I've done a rough count, it seems like we're up to table number 178. Today's guest was my friend and filmmaker Ken Rudnick.
Prior to tabling, we spoke about that classic fix it problem. Ken is in a relationship and he says that it's hard for him to be able to hear his partner talk about a problem without trying to solve it for her. I ask why, and he says he wants her to be more comfortable.
Then I flip the script.
In reality, it would make Ken more comfortable if his partner wasn't struggling, and he can be at peace when she is at peace. So I taught him a phrase that I learned a while back which is perfect for a situation like this:
That makes perfect sense when you look at it like that.
This is called validating one's own private personal logic. I'll use an example from my own relationship.
I had a girlfriend who had a ghost in her closet and it was stressing her out. Her anxiety was through the roof. And she told me about this.
My immediate internal reaction was skeptical. I found it likely to be untrue for me, but saying that doesn't make her feel better. So, instead, I put myself in her shoes. If I believed there was a ghost in my closet, then I would be petrified. So I said something along the lines of, "I can see how that's terrifying."
At no point during the height of the stress did I argue about the reality of the ghost, instead, I focused on listening to the problem and being there for the person as best as I could without driving an hour to her place to play ghostbusters.
It took a few days but she was able to exercise the ghost and things went back to normal-ish, and only when we were far removed from the situation did we ever talk about if it were real or not.
Eventually, we had a terrific break up (as good as you could possibly ask for) but that is a story for another day.
Thanks for listening,
Orly Israel
Updates: I've teamed up with a global nonprofit to build a pseudo-curriculum for students and volunteers to be able to easier bring a packet to anyone who needs to understand more about a table before allowing one to be set up.
This includes school faculty and student leadership, nursing home staff, homeless shelter staff, farmers market organizers, librarians, and anyone else you might be able to think of. If you are one of these people, or connected to one and are willing to help ensure the creation of a satisfactory document, please reply to this email with some info about yourself because I could really use your help.
P.S. There are 6 spots left for this coming weekend's How To Listening Table. Click here to sign up.
P.P.S. As I try to hone in my own style of weekly email, I'm enjoying experimenting with how my words feel in other's formats.
This template was stolen from Claire Benjamin.
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