Hey Listening People,
Over the last two days, I've had 32 half-hour conversations about loneliness.
Here's what I heard:
1. I have friends, so why do I feel lonely?
Loneliness isn't just being by yourself. It includes social isolation, feeling unable to connect to people around you. For some, this brings on more intense feelings of shame, remorse, self-hate, and resentment towards others.
This is reversible (although it's not easy or necessarily quick).
One perspective shift is recognizing that you may feel left out of a group that you didn't want to be a part of anyways. If you are able to honor your interests, you'll be able to find people who have similar interests. Compromising your own interests too much will only end up causing issues down the road.
2. Expectations, unknown and unmet
"I am always the one who makes the move. They never invite me places."
This was a common phrase over these conversations. Although there may be several reasons for this happening, one easy and effective step in the right direction is letting your friends know what kind of things you'd like to go to.
For example, "Hey, I heard y'all went camping last weekend. Next time you go, I'd love to come if there's room. I love camping."
Instead of putting pressure on others to know what you want, focus on allowing your friends to know what you'd like to be included in. It's rare that you're being left out because people don't like you. Asking to be included is a great strategy to improve relationships long term.
3. People use me for emotional support and aren't there when I need them
It's easy to feel lonely when no one is there for you when you need them. Venting conversations can be healing, but letting them get out of control can be a hassle.
It's okay to reign a venting friend in by saying something like:
"I love you, and I can tell you need someone to listen to you. I want to be able to be that person for you. Today, I called you so that you could be that person for me. There's something I'd love to get off my chest, and if you're able to listen to me right now, I'd be happy to listen to you later. If that doesn't work for you right now, I would like to find someone else who can be here for me today, and I can come back to you when I am able to hold space for you."
If that's too much of a mouthful, and you have a camaraderie with a friend, you can use something that works for me:
"Can we make this about me for a bit? I've got something I want to talk about."
I would say use this only when the space is available. Obviously, don't derail an important conversation that you're listening in to make it about yourself.
Give this a try and remember you’ve got this! Looking forward to sharing more tips with you next week…
My best and more,
Orly
P.S. There are only 3 spots left for this coming weekend's How To Listening Table. Click here to sign up.
P.P.S. As I try to hone in my own style of weekly email, I'm enjoying experimenting with how my words feel in other's formats.
This template was stolen from Claire Benjamin.
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