Hey Listening People,
As more and more people do listening tables in the world, I've been asked this question a few times:
"Am I listening wrong?"
This was once followed by, "I feel like I'm judging the people who sit down. Sometimes I give advice even though I'm not supposed to. I get distracted, too. I ask questions. How do I do it right?"
I refer to NYU Management trainer Martin M. Broadwell's model called "the four stages for learning any new skill."
1. Unconscious Incompetence
You're doing it wrong, and you think you're doing it right. This is where most people start on anything.
You may think "Why isn't it working?" and "I'm doing everything right."
If you were doing it right, it would be working.
Asking, "Am I doing it wrong?" is a key question that brings you a giant leap forward into the second stage, and you're a huge part of the way to success.
2. Conscious Incompetence
"Something is wrong, but I don't know what."
Once you're able to recognize that something isn't working, you begin this beautiful path of failing your way to success. It might mean you asked a question that you realize after the fact was the wrong thing to ask. Or you gave into your fixer mentality and overreached.
You're trying different things because you're not sure what's right, and you're often making mistakes. You may even get it right from time to time!
You're making progress.
3. Conscious Competence
Now we're getting somewhere!
You know how to -- when you're focusing -- be in control. You understand your involvement in the conversation. You prevent your curiosity from sabotaging your empathy. You discern wants versus needs.
When you give mental power to your internal radar, you tune into the undercurrent of the speaker's feelings and needs. You're able to ask poignant questions, and maintain a controlled tone of voice.
You can turn in on, but you can be thrown off by an unexpected comment, or a break in concentration.
4. Unconscious Competence
Now you've got it.
You've got so much practice with the skill that it becomes second nature. It's so easy for you that you can tolerate distraction, most interference, and unpredictable circumstances.
You also may be able to teach it to others.
I like to think that I'm between 3 and 4. Where would you rate yourself?
Give this mindset a try and don't be too heavy on yourself. Recognizing you can do better is the first step on your journey to solid friendships, easy business relationships, and crystal clear communication.
If you have any specific questions - I'm hosting a trial Q+A session where 5 people per session can ask questions and we can do deep dives into them. Sign up here.
My best and more,
Orly
P.S. There are 8 spots left for this coming weekend's How To Listening Table. Click here to sign up.
P.P.S. As I try to hone in my own style of weekly email, I'm enjoying experimenting with how my words feel in other's formats.
This template was stolen from Claire Benjamin.
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