Dear ,

We’re living in a hyper-productive world where our minds are cluttered and our hearts are weary. 💔

We can ‘swipe’ to connect and ‘block’ to dispose. 😢

How can we truly see a person? 💭 

I’m sure you’ve experienced a version of this: You meet someone who is genuinely interested in you. They are present, curious, seeing things in you that you yourself have yet to find words for.

In every crowd there are two types of people. One that dims the light of others, and the other that illuminates.

Most of the time, light dimmers do it unconsciously. They are so focused on their agenda and efficiency, they see people as things to be used, not as people to befriend. They stereotype, assume, and speak over them. Questions asked are simply to filter the crowd.

Those who light people up have a persistent curiosity in people. They ask questions to connect and understand. Their presence illuminates, making people feel expanded, inspired, and lit up.

It is not just a skill.

In the past decade, I’ve received these comments a number of times said in a number of ways:

• “Rae, you raise the energy of the room. Everyone felt so much at ease after you came on stage to break the ice.”(referring to me as a host)
• “Rae, the story you shared on stage showed me that I’m not alone in my challenges.” (me as a speaker)
• “I’m usually turned off by many in the so-called coaching industry, but Rae you’re different. Your presence, authenticity, and loving nature just shines through.” (me as a coach)

And it got me thinking. How is it that leaders who usually keep their emotions behind formality open up to me so vulnerably despite it being our first time meeting? How is it that these directors 2x older than me in the audience would listen keenly to me as I speak to their team?

It requires genuine care.

For more than 20 years of my life I’ve felt like my parents didn’t understand me (and thought they didn’t care to understand). We’ve had many heated discussions rising from our differing beliefs.

One afternoon, while we were waiting at the dental clinic for my new retainers, dad shared with me how he’s yearning for closer male friendships.

“How was your relationship with your dad?” I asked.

“We didn’t have much of one. He passed away when I was a teen. And well, back then, parent-child relationships were more logistical... didn’t really communicate much beyond who does what house chores and such.”  He teared slightly as he shared.

In that moment, I felt tenderness in my heart and softness from my eyes. Oh wow. I actually ‘get’ him. I see my dad.

It is a shared moment of intimacy.

Seeing a person isn’t about what you know of them or the memories you have together.

For someone you’ve built a relationship with, it is growing an intuitive sense for how that person feels and response, so much so that you anticipate their needs before they verbalise it.

For someone you’ve just met, it is the gift of presence. Through your body language, facial expressions, and the safety of your voice, it is saying “here, you can be you.” It is giving to them what you have given yourself (be it small acts of kindness or words that heal), while not assuming that their needs are the same as yours.

It is the genuine interest in getting to know someone. As Author David Brooks write: “Perhaps to really know another person, you have to have a glimmer of how they experience the world.”

How to NOT see a person

It sounds easy right? Be present. Listen actively. But most of us see through fogged up lenses. We can have our eyes open, yet not see each other.

EGO / AN UNFULFILLED NEED TO BE SEEN

Most people have their opinions, beliefs and agendas at the top of their heads. They can’t see others because they are too busy trying to be seen themselves. “Let me tell you about my opinion.” “Let me share my story.” Maybe they’ve had a childhood where they didn’t get attention,  or in a job where they’re often silenced. They have yet to learn how to listen to themselves, so they yearn to be heard by others.

ANXIETY

Most of us have too much noise going on in our heads, we can’t hear what the other person is saying. “Do I sound weird? What can I say next to look confident?” Fear steals away our ability to be present.

THINKING THERE’S ONLY ONE REALITY

This is the assumption that the world you see is exactly how others see it. “I just don’t understand why they can’t do this? It’s the smarter thing to do!” These are people who hold on so tightly to their beliefs of success, money, God, that they can’t appreciate how others have different beliefs. These are the “hustlers” or entrepreneurs that look down on people with jobs. Or the people with jobs who label artists as naive. This is often the cause of religious and political conflict.

LACK OF COMPASSION

Abandoning the relationship/connection the moment you feel discomfort. There’s this whole culture of “protecting your space/energy” that we end up avoiding difficult conversations in the name of self-love. People are messy, imperfect, we’re all figuring things out. Lack of compassion shows up in the way we gossip about others in our industry or make hasty conclusions after the first date.

Now, how to truly see a person

Kids are amazing role models for this. Do you know of any grumpy stern people, whose faces immediately light up the moment a kid runs to them excitedly? Kids see people with so much purity and non-judgement, they make us act as we are. Kids are fascinated and curious about anything and everything, which is why they light up every room.

“The quality of your life depends quite a bit on the quality of attention you project out onto the world.” Psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist writes.

When you radiate warmth, you bring out the warmth in others. When you uphold practiced formality, you meet people who are transactional and detached.

BEING OPEN

Resisting the urge to project your opinion and patiently waiting for what the other party has to say. It is putting your stereotypes aside, to be curious about their world, as if you’ve just entered Disneyland for the first time.

ACTIVE CURIOSITY

As humans we like certainty. We like to “figure people out”. The spirit of active curiosity comes with accepting that we’ll never fully know a person. We may not fully know ourselves, seeing how we’re complex and constantly evolving. Instead, continue to connect and relate to them as both of you evolve. Just like visiting a country, your experience of it will never be the same with each visit.

KINDNESS

Love is kind. In a world where many things are out of our control, the one thing we can choose is to be kind. To be kind is to choose truth over convenience. Abundance over greed. And to give grace, because most of us are trying our best. The most straightforward practice of kindness is to let people show you who they are, before making conclusions. Don’t be quick to judge. Seek to understand.

To truly see a person is to have an experience of the person.

To bask in their quirkiness, awkwardness, their passion and excitement. It is not to observe from a distance or make conclusions from a checklist of traits.

To be present, observant, and in awe of how entire generations of stories and complexities of their culture and upbringing all live within a 5ft tall human being.

You can do this whether you’ve had years of friendship with them, or simply crossed paths at the water cooler.

Someone asked me once: What if I don’t care that much about people? If so, get curious: what do you care about? It will lead you to people who intrigue you.

When you declutter your mind, you’ll have space to care.

Magnetic Leadership truly sees a person.

What makes someone magnetic is the attention and care they give to others. That's why we're so drawn to them.

In less than 2 weeks I'll be teaching you how to embody your magnetic leader, and you're invited!

MAGNETIC LEADER BOOTCAMP - a live, in-person bootcamp including 1 full week to integrate, connect, and ask me questions throughout the week!

13 & 20 September (Saturday) | 9am - 1pm | Live in Singapore

Price wise — it is $388 for the first 10 sign ups.

Thereafter, the price will increase by $100 :) 

^ PS: 9 spots are already taken (literally, final spot for our early bird price!)

Sign me up! 🎉

In the sign up page we have what we're covering for the 2 days. I'll tweak and refine the curriculum and practices based on what YOU need. Once you sign up I'll collect your current goals and challenges, and design the bootcamp accordingly. 

Instead of overthinking about how to be more confident, learn how to give care. That is how you show up effortlessly magnetic. It sounds vague, but that's why I'm having this bootcamp so you'll be doing exercises, practices, and some of you would get to be coached by me!

See you there :)

In your corner,

Rae xx