How to Navigate Holiday Conversations with Family

Dec 17, 2023 1:31 pm

Dear friends,

The holidays can bring a range of emotions—from joy and celebration to stress and loneliness. For those grieving, the season can feel bittersweet, making the absence of a departed loved one all the more poignant. Many feel understandably anxious about conversations over family gatherings.

The past months since October 7th have been so painful. I've been going through my own process of healing ancestral pain, grappling with the complexity and contradictions of Jewish history, and (re)educating myself about the history of the Holy Land by listening to interviews and reading voraciously.

I wonder how it's been for you, and how you are managing?

I want to share some tips for navigating family holiday gatherings with their messy, often tense conversations. While we can’t control other people’s behavior, we can choose consciously how we show up.

With some forethought and care, we can approach these interactions with more clarity, love, and skill—to steer clear of an argument, enjoy your time, or simply stay sane with family over the holidays.

1. Choose A Wise Intention

One of the most powerful ways to stay grounded in any conversation is to set a clear intention ahead of time. Intention is about how you wish to be in the interaction, rather than aiming for a specific outcome. What values do you want to embody this holiday season? What's your purpose for getting together?

Some classic, helpful intentions include to be curious, patient, or kind; to relax and have fun, to focus on the good in others, or to stay connected to oneself.

Choose a word or phrase for your intention, then think of an image or memory that represents this quality. For example, if your intention is to be flexible, you might think of bamboo bending in the wind and rebounding upright. For patience, I imagine a redwood tree standing strong for millennia. Before and during the conversation, recall your intention and image as often as you need.

2. Ask Better Questions; Practice Deep Listening

Conversations can have a way of meandering into useless chit-chat or contentious territory. Come prepared to holiday gatherings with some engaging topic or meaningful questions that uplift...

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