Blah, blah, blah - my spouse wont' stop talking

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Paul sent me this email, and thought I'd make the response public:

Kevin, I struggle in my marriage with communication. My wife is a talker and I’m the opposite. So often my wife will mention the same topics in multiple convos and will ask the same questions which then triggers me and I can’t seem to manage those feeling in the moment. Any recommendations?

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Thanks for writing, Paul. Ironically, it sounds like you're describing my marriage in some ways.

Cetelia is the silent one in our marriage. I read your email to her, and she said, "Same topics in multiple conversations and the same questions." 😂 

Below are suggestions for you and your wife:

For the non-talkative spouse

• Attempt to setup "talk times" when your stamina is highest, and you're more likely to engage in a back and forth conversation.

• If you prefer the written word, encourage your spouse to write more and talk less.

• Let your spouse know when you've heard enough. Explain to your spouse that you're drowning in words, and it's wearing you down physically and emotionally (true story!).

• Ensure you're answering your mate's questions and participating to the best of your ability. Your spouse may keep talking about the same thing if he/she doesn't feel there has been a resolution, and/or you've been non-committal or evasive.

• Sometimes you should just talk. Your spouse will appreciate it, and will challenge you to engage even when you don't want to or feel like you don't have anything to say.

For the talkative spouse

• Pay attention to your spouse's demeanor and behavior. Both will let you know when he/she has heard too many words.

• Talk less. Write more. Quiet spouses tend to be introverts and may process written words better. Share your ideas with notes, emails, texts, or other methods that don't require so much talking.

• Ask questions to get your spouse talking (good luck!).

• Understand that your spouse can feel drowned in words. As much as you crave talking things out, your spouse craves thinking them through.

• Give your spouse a warning that you want to talk. This will put him/her in a better position to engage with you.

• Practice the discipline of silence. Your spouse will appreciate it, and it will give you time to gain insights that come only through silence.

Kevin

ps - Reminder: I'm unveiling a new offering on Thursday. Cetelia and I are excited about it, and hope you will be, too. We believe it will help you become the spouse you desire to be. Don't miss it!