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Couples have fights about all sorts of stuff.

However, more times than not, the fight is not even about the topic at hand.

The fight is about preserving competence and and connection.

Men want to feel competent.

Women want to feel connected. 

When a man feels incompetent he will experience shame, and may lash out, shrink back, or any of these interchangeably.

When a woman feels disconnected she will experience fear, become demanding, become silent, or any of these interchangeably.

The next time your spouse falls into one of these moods, look beyond the issue at hand.

Ask yourself if his competence or her feeling of connection is being threatened.

Kevin

ps - It's not too late to join the 23-day challenge to make things better in your marriage.

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