Hey there, ,

In my last email I mentioned how our listening impacts the quality of our relationships. Some ways of listening can empower us, while others disempower us. I wanted to share with you a breakdown of both. These lists are not exhaustive, but tend to be pretty common among humans. As you'll see, they either bring us closer to connection or keep us stuck in old patterns.

Disempowering Listenings

These types of listening often create barriers to genuine connection and understanding. They block us from being fully present in conversations and can lead to disconnection.

• Listening to Agree or Disagree – Focused on deciding if we agree with what’s being said, rather than truly listening to understand.

• Listening to Respond – More concerned with what we’re going to say next than with absorbing the other person’s words.

• Judgmental Listening – Constantly evaluating or criticizing what’s being said, which creates distance and defensiveness.

• Listening for Confirmation – Only hearing what aligns with our pre-existing beliefs, limiting the chance for new perspectives.

• Skeptical Listening – Focused on finding flaws or doubting the sincerity of the speaker, often coming from a place of self-protection.

• Defensive Listening – Hearing everything as a potential threat or criticism, which keeps us on guard and prevents true openness.

• Listening to Win – More interested in being "right" or winning the argument rather than engaging in mutual understanding.

• Listening to Be Right – Focused on proving your point rather than listening to the other person’s perspective, which leads to rigid, unproductive conversations.

• Listening to Blame – Listening with the intention of finding fault or blaming others, preventing collaboration or resolution.

The following listenings help build trust, understanding, and connection. They open us up to new possibilities and foster authentic relationships.

• Empathetic Listening – Listening with compassion, fully focusing on the other person’s emotions and experiences. This creates deeper connection.

• Generous Listening – Intentionally listening to support the speaker, allowing them to express themselves fully, without your own agenda in mind.

• Possibility Listening – Listening for new opportunities and insights, free from past limitations or judgments, which creates space for breakthroughs.

For me, Listening for Confirmation and Listening to Be Right have been disempowering. They’ve limited my ability to truly connect with Cetelia (and others) because I’m filtering what I hear through my own biases or my need to prove something.

However, I’m working on shifting toward Generous Listening and Possibility Listening, which allow me to create new ways of engaging with the people in my life. I'll talk more about those in an upcoming email.

As you reflect on your own listening, ask yourself: Are my dominant ways of listening empowering or disempowering me? How might shifting toward empowering listening impact my marriage and other relationships?

I’ll be sharing more thoughts soon on how to shift into more empowering listenings.

Kevin