Here's the question from today's Marriage Works! Mailbag:

How do you get past seeing your husband with another woman before almost getting intimate before you caught them? How do you move forward in the marriage..HOW?

First, let me say that I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Secondly, let me call attention to what you saw with your eyes, and what you saw with your imagination.

I'm not entirely sure what you saw your husband doing, but if it was intimate in nature with another woman, then it was wrong and understandably bothersome. What's often more bothersome to us, however, is what we imagine happened before we showed up or what would/could have happened if we had not shown up.

As you address this issue with your husband, it's important for your personal well-being and the well-being and future of your marriage that you address what you saw and have evidence for.

Addressing what you see in your imagination makes the situation murkier because you'll end up holding him responsible for what happened in your thoughts rather than real life.

That said, if evidence is ever presented that he did more than you witnessed, then he needs to be held to account. But, unless or until that happens, take control of your thoughts and imagination so you don't drive yourself crazy, and accuse your husband of something you don't know happened. First Corinthians 10:3-5 speaks to this.

As for how to "get past" it, that's something entirely different. I will say that you can get by it, but it may take time. And, it will definitely require you deal with what you saw, and not what you imagined.

Obviously, you need to have a conversation with your husband to find out what he was doing, and what led him to do it.

Note: You may not believe nor accept what he says led him to do what he was doing. That’s fine. Just keep in mind it’s not your job to be his judge, and you’ll likely shut him down if you attack his answers. You should ask, listen, and clarify. It's also not your job to try to catch him in a lie. If he's not telling the truth, it will eventually come out (Luke 8:17). He ultimately answers to God.

Another thing to do to work on getting past this is to forgive him. You're not forgiving him because he deserves it or you're tired of hurting or you got over it or he begged you. You're forgiving him based on the fact that God forgave you in Christ (Ephesians 4:32).

Forgiving your husband doesn't mean you no longer hurt, you forgot what he did, or the situation has been resolved. Rather, forgiving him means you refuse to retaliate, and you seek to live in peace with him. This may be incredibly hard based on the frequency of this happening, and the severity of the offense. Yet, forgiveness is possible with God's help.

I should tell you that it may take some time to get past this, and part of the timeframe will depend on how well you deal with what you saw vs what you're imagining happened, could have happened, or may happen in the future.

There's a lot of clean up and conversation that needs to happen between the two of you. i encourage you to keep looking into your own heart as you address this with your husband to ensure you're coming from a place of love, and addressing any areas in your own life that may cause you to appear hypocritical to your husband. I'm not saying those areas exist, I'm simply asking you to take a look based on Matthew 7:3-5.

Finally, bear in mind my response is just one of many ways to address this issue. I encourage you to get godly counsel from others, and if necessary, seek assistance from a licensed professional.

Kevin

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