Hi -

In the email I sent last week, I wrote about reality illusion. This is what causes you and your mate to see the exact same situation in different ways. 

Get this: Seeing things differently is NOT a problem to be solved.  

Nothing's wrong.  

All is well. 

The problem is when we find fault with our mate for not seeing the situation as we do. 

In this email I'll begin letting you know what to do about it so you can keep some sanity in your life and marriage. 

The first thing -- and hardest -- is to be aware that reality illusion is always present. This is going to take time and lots of practice because you're naturally blind to the fact that your spouse doesn't see the world the way you do.  

I mean, you know it, but it doesn't make sense to you.

It seems illogical that your spouse would look at the same situation as you and come up with a different perspective. 

But, we're not dealing in the realm of logic. We're dealing in the realm of reality, and how our take on reality is an illusion of what's actually so.  

There are many reasons why this we see things so differently (differences in age, ethnicity, gender, upbringing, personality, perspective, background, experiences, etc.). 

For example, yesterday my wife, Cetelia, sent me a text asking me to pay our girls' volleyball fees ASAP. I read the text, and responded, "Okay." Earlier today Cetelia asked if I had paid the fees. I told her no, and that I'd pay them today. 

She texted back that they needed to be paid yesterday. I instinctively wanted to argue and say, "The text said ASAP, which does not indicate a specific day. So, I figured a day later when it was convenient for me was soon enough." 

But, I realized that responding that way was going to lead to an unnecessary text battle I didn't need nor want to have. 

Q: Who was right: Cetelia or me? 

A: Both of us according to illusion reality, and neither of us according to the other.

Depending on one's interpretation, ASAP can mean anything from "immediately to whenever it's good for me." 

This is the essence of reality illusion. 

Handling Reality Illusion In Your Marriage

Your fieldwork is to start paying attention to the presence of reality illusion in your marriage. The better you get at recognizing its presence, the better equipped you'll be to work through marital spats when they arise.

In the next email I'll tell you the second thing to do about reality illusion. 

Until then, notice its presence.

Kevin

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