In today's mailbag, we have a question about double-standards in marriage.

How can I, as a husband, deal with a situation where my wife expects me to support her goals and dreams, but doesn't offer the same level of encouragement and support for my own dreams?

Thanks for your question!

Let me start by saying that double standards are common in relationships, including marriages. It's frustrating when you're held to a different standard than your partner - it feels unfair. And, let's be honest, we want things to be fair (unless we're the one with the advantage).

Take the case that your spouse will always have a double-standard. While it's possible your spouse may change, don't count on it. All that will do is lead you to be frustrated when she doesn't change.

I don't say this to be mean or demean your spouse. Rather I say it from this place: unless a person is intentionally deceitful and tricky, they don't always realize they're operating with a double-standard.

Think about yourself. You, too, have double-standards, and you may not realize it until someone - usually your spouse - points it out.

So, if it's likely that your spouse will not miraculously wake up one morning and stop having double-standards, the real question is this: where does that leave you? You must decide who you are going to be in the face your mate's double-standards.

If you've already brought up your dreams and [your interpretation of] her lack of support, good. If not, be honest and share what you need from your spouse.

If you've pointed out the double-standard, good, just be careful with continuing to point it out. I've observed - and learned from personal experience - that people who are operating with a double-standard will declare they're not, and will justify it. It's because they're blind to their double-standard (just like you and I are blind to ours until someone points them out or we take a really good look at ourselves).

And, ultimately, that's what I recommend. Since you cannot change your spouse, look at yourself.

This requires self-awareness and reflection.

If you're honest, you'll likely admit that you, too, set double-standards from time to time.

So, when faced with a situation where your spouse exhibits double standards, it is important to reflect on your own actions and attitudes.

In doing so, consider the Bible verse Matthew 7:3-5, which states, "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

This verse reminds us of the significance of self-reflection and self-awareness. Instead of solely focusing on the double standards exhibited by your spouse, it encourages you to assess your own behavior and attitudes. By examining your own actions and addressing any inconsistencies or shortcomings, you can approach the situation with humility, fairness, and a genuine desire for growth and improvement in your marriage.

By all means, share your upset, disappointment, frustration, or however you classify it with your mate. If you can take some ground together with her being more supportive of you, that's a win.

At the same time, know that things will probably never be at the level of fairness you think is appropriate. It's in those moments that you've got to remember that you, too, are prone to double-standards. Most importantly, you get to choose who you are going to be in the face of her double-standard.

I hope this helps!

Kevin

ps - tomorrow I'll unveil the Mobile Marriage Coach! (Remember Conway)

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