[MW!] My husband is texting other women

Aug 08, 2023 4:41 pm

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In today's mailbag:


My husband has been texting another female (nothing inappropriate) but he has told me in the past he was attracted to her. He talks about her 24/7 and helps her with practical stuff that he will say no to me when I ask. I was pregnant… I told him I’m really struggling with him texting this other women, and with all my emotions running high with the pregnancy, it’s causing me to be anxious and it’s affecting my confidence and self esteem

Even though I asked him to stop, he hasn’t and is continually texting her daily

I feel torn between my Christian values in my marriage ( no divorce / love him like Jesus ) but on a day to day basis I feel unloved , unvalued and hurt that his friendship with another women is more important than his wife.

He is still texting her today / multiple times a day and won’t stop even though I have asked, and even though I have told him the negative effect it is having on me.

Thanks for writing in.


You've done well to tell your husband repeatedly how you feel about him texting the other woman. If he's not listening to you nor respecting how you feel about it, what are you to gain from continuing to tell him? He's likely no longer hearing you.


He has proven something that we tend to forget (or ignore): Grown folks are going to do what grown folks are going to do. That said, until he gets a reason for himself that he shouldn't text her, he's likely to keep doing it.


While it may be disappointing to think about the fact that he's going to keep texting her, perhaps it will also take the weight off your shoulders knowing that you've done what you can do, and what he does is not your fault.


For whatever reason, it occurs to your husband that it's okay for him to text this other woman ... especially since it's "nothing inappropriate" (I put that in quotes because there's a million definitions for what inappropriate means). It also seems to occur to him that your objections aren't to the point where he should change.


Behaviors only change when the way the situation occurs to us changes (e.g., if it occurs to me that cheating on a test is the only way to pass, I'll keep cheating. However, if I study and pass, it will occur to me that there's another way to pass. That can lead to changed behavior).


Until it occurs to your husband that what he's doing is having a negative impact on you and the family, he's going to keep doing it.


I want you to keep talking to your husband, but not about the texting the other woman. I encourage you to ask him the following questions:


  1. What are you committed to as a husband?
  2. What are you committed to for our family?


These questions will require him to think about what's he's about, where he's going, why he's married, and what he wants going forward. The real trick is to get it to come out of his mouth -- not yours.


Warning: You may get an answer you don't want to hear, so be prepared for that. At the same time, know that the goal is to get your husband talking about you, the marriage, your family, and what he's committed to as a husband.


You may be thinking, "Okay, I'll ask him. But, what do I do in the meantime? What if he doesn't stop texting her?"


I'll ask you two questions:


  1. What are you committed to as a wife?
  2. What are you committed to for your family?


You have to answer the same two questions yourself. Knowing what your commitments are empower you to stand firm in the face of whatever your husband does next.


Note: I'm not telling you to keep feeling bad, anxious, unconfident, and have low-self esteem. Rather, I'm telling you to get clear on what you're committed to as a wife and for your family.


What you do next will be sourced from whatever you're committed to.


I'm praying for you.


Kevin





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