Hi, ,

I'm dealing with my fourth bout of Covid currently, and have been sleeping in another bedroom this week.

Last night I asked my wife, Cetelia (sa-till-ya), if she missed me sleeping in the bed with her. She said yes, but I had already made up in my mind what I wanted to hear. As such, her reply would either confirm what I thought to be true OR she'd be telling a tale.

Saying the same thing another way, it really didn't matter what she said because I already had a listening for her answer. In fact, my question came from my listening.

I'm defining listening as not just about hearing words, but rather an active and intentional way of engaging with others.

The listening I have for Cetelia is that she's not sincere when she says kind things to me. In fact, in my mind she's saying them just to keep from hurting my feelings (note: this is a listening I have for everyone, not just Cetelia).

You can probably see how that listening gets in the way of me having conversations and relational intimacy with my wife. No matter how you slice it, she can't win by what she says.

I realize now that the story my brain has concocted is actually a defense mechanism to keep me emotionally safe. By assuming she's not being sincere, I protect myself from potential hurt or rejection, but in doing so, I also block the possibility of real connection. This pattern may keep me "safe," but it also keeps me distant and unloved, which is the very thing I'm trying to avoid.

I invite you to re-read this email, and consider if you can relate to what I'm saying, which is this: You have a listening that is already there—and is always there—and it causes you to pre-filter what you hear your mate say before he/she ever says a word.

If you can relate to anything I've written—or are at least curious about it—keep tuning in. I'll have emails coming out over the next several days that provide some tips on what we can do about this listening that gets in the way of building authentic relationships.

Kevin