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Gang. I need to tell you all about the righteously terrible horror movie I watched this week.

Or maybe it was last week. Honestly, I don't understand time anymore and more than ever before, every single day looks the same, I'm just not fighting it any longer.

So, if you didn't know, Chris and I love questionable film series. (Please recall the email I wrote about The Fast and the Furious franchise.) And during the pandemic, we decided it was time to conquer the Conjureverse.

Yes, The Conjuring cinematic universe. It's a universe built around this real life couple, and includes the following films that you should watch in this order:

• The Nun
• Annabelle: Creation
• Annabelle
• The Conjuring
• Annabelle Comes Home
• The Curse of La Llorona
• The Conjuring 2
• The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It

(My favs on this list are The Nun, The Curse of La Llorona, and The Conjuring 2. That Annabelle doll can die in a fire, and so can functionally all dolls. I'm sorry. This is a stand I need to take.)

I love horror movies, and I'm ready and eager to suspend my disbelief in the name of being frightened. And while I'll admit that The Conjuring films are in no way the best horror movies out there, I will say they are sincere and I appreciate the structure of the stories.

Also, the titular horror character from The Nun is an image that I seem to bring to mind every night before I close my eyes to go to sleep. So, that's a fun way to try to relax and fall asleep.

Anyway, Chris and I noticed that the movie Malignant only had one more day on HBO Max, and it's directed by the same guy who directed The Conjuring movies. So, we thought we better watch it. It's spooky season, after all.

Y'all.

Y'ALL.

I AM TALKING TO ALL Y'ALL.

This was not a film that enabled me to suspend my disbelief. From the jump, the tone and pacing is just off. It's like every terrible thing from late 80s/early 90s horror movies. And nothing makes sense.

Also, I understand that for the audience to be emotionally invested, storytellers need to appeal to them on an emotional level. But it's pretty unethical to include some emotionally charged topics and not give them the sort of respect they deserve.

This movie does it over and over again with various topics ranging from domestic violence, miscarriage, and religious-based child abuse. So, if you choose to watch it, know that going in.

It's bad, gang. Real bad. Also, I have never heard worse dialog. Ever. It's almost noteworthy how bad it is.

Also, and not to spoil it, but there's a super janky puppet in this one. Like, we're talking the JANKIEST PUPPET.

(Credit where it's due: There's a really cool overhead shot that looks into the house of the protagonist like it's a dollhouse, and that was a super cool shot that was great on its own but didn't redeem the movie.)

And I need you to know that I struggled with whether or not I should share my dislike of this movie, because, well. All art comes from an artist and I'm sure there are folks who feel similarly about the stuff I've created.

Though, know this: I promise you right here and now in this very newsletter that I will never include a janky puppet in my work. EVER.

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Thanks for letting me invade your inbox! 

Marisa 

MarisaMohi.com