About my ghost problem...

Sep 17, 2022 12:01 pm

The first thing you need to know about my ghost problem is I have a steamer trunk. I bought it used off Facebook Marketplace and mostly used it as a coffee table between the years of 2018 and 2021.

The second thing you need to know about my ghost problem is that I’m in a group chat called “The Cheese Sluts.”

(This isn’t super relevant to the ghost. I just felt it necessary to mention that yes, I do know what the name of the group chat is. Also, who among us doesn’t lose all their morals the minute a platter of gourmet cheese is in view? I would wager you are also a cheese slut. You should wear the title with pride. Take it back, as it were. Own it. Enjoy your cheese without shame!)

The third thing you need to know about my ghost problem is that I guess I have a ghost problem.

Chris and I have lived in our house for just over a year now. We’re the second family to live in it, and no one has died within these walls. We are both mostly rational people, but also, we have had a conversation or two about the ghost.

Could this be something we see out of the corner of our eye that is actually nothing? Something like a shadow cast by our dog as she trundles from room to room? Maybe a bird flying over the skylight and causing the light to shift? Perhaps a tuft of dog hair kicked up by the air conditioner?

All logical answers.

Even so, it’s probably a ghost. But our house doesn’t fit the ghostly criteria we often think of. I’ve read enough horror and seen enough horror movies to know how ghosts work.

Also, I’ve seen enough of Scooby Doo to think it could potentially be a mean old man putting on some kind of show here to scare people away, and he would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for us meddling adults.

So, if we have a ghost, it's probably from a haunted object. And, as the text exchange in the group chat between me and Katie makes clear, the only really vintage thing I have is the old steamer trunk.

And recently, Chris opened said steamer trunk and left it open in the guest room. It’s sitting there, as if some old-timey person is packing their spats and bowlers for a trip across the Atlantic on a ship.

I feel like that’s when all our “ghost sightings” began.

The funny thing is that I’ve been trying to get rid of the steamer trunk for a minute. I don’t need it anymore, but no one on Facebook Marketplace wants to buy it. I’ll probably end up putting it out on the curb for the next big trash pick up or listing it as free on Nextdoor.

Until then, I kindly ask you to send me all your best ghost eradication remedies. Also, if you’re interested, I’m giving away a huge steamer trunk. It weighs approximately 4 billion metric tons and may or may not be haunted.