Dear humans,

I bring to you a tale of treachery! Deceit! Sleepy females who were trying to innocently rest.

So there the female was, trying to sleep. She was even succeeding, except she was having a dumb-fuck dream about anything living that might touch her would kill her. (I bet you can see where this is going.) Also, we tend to call these things nightmares rather than dreams, but apparently, the female likes the cray-cray dreams... unless the following situation happens.

1: Princess wanted to snuggle in bed with the female and get her owed love and cuddles. This is a nightly ritual.

2: The female woke up confused because everything that touched her would kill her.

3: Princess found the game of fend the cat off with the pillow hilarious and wanted to play enthusiastically. Princess won. Female eventually clued in my sister wasn't actually trying to kill her and she'd had a fucked up dream.

4: I laughed.

5: The female notified the male of the dream and her war with Princess. He laughed, too.

6: Now is when you laugh.

Here is the murderous culprit:

Yes, the female survived.

Regarding our little foopah yesterday, yes the form is still open. Please fill it out if you would like a letter or card. The female is getting some post cards made, too. So it'll basically be luck of the draw if you receive a letter, card, or post card. If you think someone would enjoy a card, post card, or letter as a gift, fill out the form again and make a note it's a present and if you want credit for it, and the female will jot a note to the recipient.

International recipients are welcome, just please make sure you format the address properly, as it should be shown on the envelope. The female cries when she has to google how to format an address to a foreign country, especially when the instructions are in a language she cannot read.

In other news, Grave Humor has almost enough preorders she could, in theory, hit USA Today if she has a really, really strong release week. She puts the odds at approximately 5% of making the list. (She would have to sell well over a thousand books on release week to have any hope of making a list.)

But she can dream, right?

Anyone have a thousand friends with $5.99 ea? Bueller?

Here is a stolen unedited snippet from Booked for Murder.

Spiting the damned doctor who swore I’d be wheel-chair bound for the rest of my life amused me. The last time I’d showed up at his office, I’d done so without my cane, earning a scolding over it. I’d gotten him to finally admit I might one day walk without my boot.

With enough hard work and one or two more surgeries, I might even manage without a limp.

I wouldn’t return to my once upon a time. Those days were gone, and for the most part, I didn’t miss them.

Okay, I missed them. I missed having a hotter than hell boss with a sense of humor, I missed driving luxury sports cars better than anyone else, and I longed for a return to the race track so I could play with cars banned from the road because they were too fast to be street legal.

Bradley Hampton liked rewarding his minions for good behavior, and he’d figured out how I’d ticked within months of my hiring me to be his for life bodyguard.

I fucking loved cars.

Have a good day, humans!