Have you ever felt like life, instead of a journey, is a race track? A closed loop that no matter how much you run, you can never get out of? Instead of reaching a new spot, you find yourself constantly trudging by the same scenery as though you’re a character in a hand-drawn animation. I told a friend yesterday I was at the end of my rope. Then I realized I wasn’t at the end of my rope. I was at the end of my wits.
It is infuriating to realize you’re stuck dealing with the same stuff you were two years ago... and wonder if it’s your fault or not. It’s even more frustrating when you feel like you’re sitting at a crossroads of dominos, because whatever decision you take either way will start a chain reaction. This September I found myself trying to solve the same old question I thought I was past... what do I do next for school? Do I try doing my equivalency exams knowing that if I fail, I can try again next year, or do I go straight into my secretarial course and try to do the exams during or after the course? Do I sign up with the better school I was planning to but who has fixed learning days, or with the school I thought I’d finally escaped, but whose schedule is more flexible? Do I try to get in now, knowing if I do it throws my whole plan off balance, or try in January, knowing if I don’t get in I’m either doomed to months of waiting again or trying to find a new and less convenient school? And in the meantime, do I choose to take on a new client I barely have time for or do I choose to prioritize studying? If I turn down this offer, will there be another one or will I have to spend the next three months without work? Either way I look, one choice triggers another, and each one is a whole new double-headed decision.