#116 – What is courage – really?

I wanted to forgive, but I didn’t know how.

So I searched. I listened to this talk by Tara Brach, then I wrote this post about "soft front, strong back."

In the morning, I came face to face with forgiveness once again: I need to forgive if I’m ever going to set myself free.

I turned to the wise women in Barbara Huson’s community and received some beautiful insights. It all comes down to forgiveness. I know that. Intellectually, I know it. But how does one actually get there?

I realized I’d been skipping the hardest part. The scariest part. The most crucial part.

Feeling. Feeling every feeling, sitting with them until they leave on their own. Only when I let them free will I finally move into forgiveness.

But it’s difficult because it hurts. And part of me feels, I should be past that (of course, that’s my Ego talking).

Why do I keep remembering the betrayals, the let-downs, the disappointments?

I think I finally get it: because I didn’t let myself feel those feelings fully, they’re still lurking, like a tiger pacing in its cage. And I didn't let myself feel them because I thought it was more "mature" to get past them. More "tough-cookie" of me.

But what I was doing was stepping over the hurt, ignoring it – the very thing I resented when others did it to me. And so my hurt resented me and called out for my attention, effectively keeping me trapped in the past.

Maybe, if I soften my front and let each feeling find its place, they’ll stop pacing and acting out. Feeling safe, they’ll lie down to rest. Then, and only then, I’ll open the gate and let them go, knowing they’re no longer dangerous.

What do you want to feel so you can set yourself free and move forward?

Love,

Carolina