Hey , happy Friday.

I'm about to share with you a four line poem.

When preparing for a Men's Mental Health talk last month, this poem caused me to have a total reframe.

I wish I'd heard it ten years ago.

I hope it has the same effect on you.

But first, some context.

• You're probably a working professional
• You probably feel busy quite a lot of the time

And

• You probably have friends from a range of backgrounds - from school, uni, work, friends of friends...
• You try to see them whenever you get the time: the rare free weekend, a brief slump in workload, a cancelled plan.

But

• Without realising it, you probably find that you're spending less time feeling closely connected with those around you than you'd like.
• Perhaps you're surrounded by people all the time, but feel paradoxically more and more isolated.
• Maybe you have heard figures about the increasing isolation that our lifestyles, led by our technologies, have caused us.
• And yet, you feel like this seems more personally your fault

Maybe you're not too worried...

"There's people it's much much worse for"

and that's what you try to remind yourself of.

But still, you're aware that your 2-5+ hours of screen time has been creeping up, and your time with friends and family has been creeping down.

What's most annoying, for you, is that it all feels like a very simple:

1. You have all the tools to reach and plan immediately
2. With today's tech, even 1000 miles is no excuse for connecting
3. Compared to your parent's (more social) generation, you likely have a stupidly flexible job, with WFH days, flexi hours, and a predictable schedule.

It all supports you connecting with your friends and family...

In theory.

So what's really stopping you?

Here's a few things:

1. Making the effort to reach out and organise - aligning calendars can require some real energy and patience.

2. Taking the leadership to reach out first - perhaps you feel like you're doing this more than your friends.

3. Being honest with yourself that you're not as independent as you'd like - 'I don't need others, I should be able to be happy in my own company' (one of the biggest lies in the Western World)

4. Screen fatigue - 'I don't want to spend more time looking at my phone, even if it means getting off it to spend time with others'

5. Choosing who- you’re not actually sure who you’d prioritise if you filled your diary.

BUT,

This is all dancing around the real reason.

And you know it.

Your real enemy is pride.

Your pride.

Your pride that says:

• "I'm always making the effort, if they can't reach out to me, then I don't want to meet them.
• "They don't care for me enough"
• "I want friends where this is easier"
• "Am I not important enough?"
• "What's wrong with me that I need to see this person, am I not enough on my own?"
• "They make me feel lonely"
• "I just need to make new friends, how hard can it be?"

This is your pride.

And you think it's positive for you.

But, by protecting your ego, it's destroying your wellbeing.

Pride is making you think transactionally, with a limited, scarcity mindset rather than one of endless abundance.

And love should know no bounds right?

Let's get onto the poem to flesh this out.

Four lines by W.H. Auden.

How should we like it were stars to burn

With a passion for us we could not return?

If equal affection cannot be,

Let the more loving one be me.

'Let the more loving one be me.'

Wow.

Worded like that, which person in a friendship do you want to be?

Dropping pride, you reframe your efforts to connect with friends as endless, radiant love.

Who wouldn't want to give that out?

At the risk of turning this into a GCSE English Lit piece, the use of 'stars' reminds us that our warmth for others is not chosen, not finite, and not small.

We're BEINGs with vast, cosmic, and boundless capacities for love.

A star burning is natural. It cannot be suppressed. It should not.

If you're not quite sure what the second line is saying, like I was.

What if stars loved us with a power we could not return, would we feel guilty?

No, of course not. The imbalance is irrelevant. It just is.

Similarly, we don't go to bed thinking "I hope my dog doesn't think I don't love him as much as he loves me..."

So.

What makes a human - human relationship different?

We - especially in stuffy old Britain - have been taught to repress first.

We're assessing how much love we receive, and counting out the exact change to give it back.

And this isn't right.

Habit 12: Let the more loving one be you.

Be a star. Burn bright. Burn unapologetically. Don't wear your cosmic sunglasses, don't wait for a response. Don't let pride get in the way.

Send this message to your best friend(s) now. See what they say back.

Maybe it's a good test.

It probably won't hurt.

Hi xxx,

1. I'm writing this because I feel you're currently in my life less than I'd like.
2. I know that there are many circumstances that stop us being together more: We're busy, we're tired, we don't live near each other.
3. But I'd like more of my life intertwined with yours if that's ok with you.
4. And this message is just to say that, now: I'm not going to hold back.
5. I'm not going to wait for you to return these efforts exactly. Unless you tell me explicitly to stop.
6. My pride has stopped me making more effort, and I suspect yours might have been to.
7. And I don't expect or need anything different back from you (although it would be nice).
8. I'd love it were all my friendships to be a perfect 50:50 split of effort, but even if I feel like I'm taking a bigger load, you're worth it.
9. Yours, eternally and abundantly
10. Name.

The worst thing that happens when you love more is discomfort.

The worst thing that happens when you love less is regret.

It's your choice.

It always has been.

Cheers

Live by design, not default.

James - humans BEING

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Disclaimer:The information I share is for education and general interest only. It is not medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or a substitute for professional care. Please do not start or stop any medication or supplement without guidance from a qualified health professional who knows your personal history.

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