Hi , hope you've done your Xmas shopping.

I've just finished delivering two men's health workshops addressing the male 'crisis' and what people can do to support others.

The talks included:

• Taking personal responsibility
• Repressing ➡️ expressing emotions
• Actively sharing vulnerabilities

However, there was one topic I wasn't able to tie into the talks but wanted to build on and share.

It's about sex.

In a fantastic podcast a few months back between Chris Williamson and Esther Perel (Podcast here), she said something that totally rocked my world.

To quote it directly:

"You have one language that men can use to express any of those needs. It's called sex.

You translate it into a vocabulary that is sexual. And through that sexual experience, you get to experience many of the needs and the feelings that are forbidden or disavowed in the male code.

If people say "all he wants is sex", they often are making a big mistake. All he wants is the things that sex enables him to experience that he doesn't have the permission to ask in other ways.

In other words, what she's saying is that sex is the last socially acceptable portal for men to truly access connection, nurture, softness and vulnerability.

So are men just desperate for sex?

Or do they just lack opportunities to express themselves without appearing 'soft' and 'feminine?'

This is a real perspective shift.

Does sex therefore mean more to men then women?

Perhaps.

But men and women are wired differently, that's for sure.

But all humans need to feel loved and cared for in some capacity, and when you zoom out - you realise that many men don't have access to this.

Especially now we're drinking less (on average), there's not even the shoulder grab from your friend in sales saying 'love you man, you're a good bloke.'

So.

To the men reading: You might read this and think "Huh, maybe I'm not just a horny guy ALL the time. Maybe I just need to feel more connected to other people, even without the sex."

Because sex isn't the only thing that can give men (and women) these feelings.

In fact, I'm not just writing this for men: many people may go through spells where they're not having sex.

Here's what might give you some of the benefits regardless of your context.

Each one has some alternatives.

Outside of the 'obvious', sex gives you:

Physical touch/contact

• A good hug or weighted blanket
• Playing with a pet/animal
• A massage/physio/sauna
• Dancing, sparring, contact sports.

Intimacy/connection

• Intimate (deep/probing) conversations - friends/thereapy
• Deliberate self reflection - journalling, meditation
• Belonging - being with people and sharing experiences or even shared silence

Tension -> Resolution

• HIIT/sprints/cardio
• Cold - hot exposure
• Martial arts, grappling
• Breathwork

Play (I'm talking here of timeless - flow state kind of play)

• Games (board games, video games, casual sports)
• Instruments
• Dancing, or even shouting in your car
• Being playful - pranks and humour

Expression

• Physical movement - Dancing, poetry
• Language - Journalling, speaking,
• Creativity - Drawing, painting, crafts.

Validation/Meaning

• Belonging - Strong friendships, social support
• Purpose - Work, volunteering,
• Being needed - responsibility for others.

So, maybe you find this helpful.

Maybe not.

All I can say is, we're all humans running on some incredibly old circuitry.

It needs understanding if we want to live good, happy, healthy lives.

If you take one thing from this message:

Choose one category above and deliberately build it into your week – without sex being the delivery mechanism.

One hug.

One hard session.

One honest conversation.

One playful hour.

Small changes, but see what happens and how you feel.

PS: I've not mentioned porn today - a very separate email about that soon. It's a big topic.

Take care.

James -humans BEING

Found this useful? Share it with a friend.

Or want to learn how to apply these tools to your own routines?

Chat with me here - no cost.

Exploration (30 min call)

Disclaimer: The information I share is for education and general interest only. It is not medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, or a substitute for professional care. Please do not start or stop any medication or supplement without guidance from a qualified health professional who knows your personal history.

The views expressed are my own, based on sources available at the time of writing. Logos, images, and short excerpts may appear for identification, critique, or educational purposes; all trademarks and copyrights remain with their owners. I aim to be accurate, and if you believe something here is incorrect, please let me know so I can review and, if needed, correct it.