Hi , hope you're well.

If you missed last week's message, this one builds right off it - so it might be worth checking out.

I covered the first of these two parts.

1. The case against using sites like PornHub, YouPorn etc.
2. The case against habitual recreational masturbation (is there a less sexy three word string?)

Today, I'll be covering the second.

If last week's email is what the porn is, this is about what the porn does.

And, like last time, my mission is to help people take control of their own lives and reject default decisions that they might be making.

Porn use might be one of those defaults for some people – and not for others.

This isn't supposed to be about opinion or judgement.

When thinking about the use of porn - and how it effects us...

We're going to briefly touch upon:

1) Addiction and self-soothing

2) Hyper-arousal and stimulation

3) Disconnections with reality

Today's email is harder to write than last week's.

Because it's important to state that I'm differentiating between the urges of having sex, and the use of pornography to soothe that urge.

I am not commenting on urges per se.

(Although that is also an interesting topic...)

1. Addiction and self-soothing

For many people, porn is not a decision. Not really.

The brain reaches a state that it does not like and, to distract, reaches out for something to change it.

Smoking, alcohol, TikTok all can serve similar functions.

And in all cases, the change of state feels short-lived and may result in a lower mood than before. Perhaps even shame.

A vicious cycle.

It's similar to eating ultra-processed food which bypasses our natural 'fullness' signals' to ensure we buy and eat more of it.

The digital environment does not match up with the body's biology.

A similar hacking of our biology takes place with porn.

Whilst we crave intimacy, touch, connection and bonding, we are often 'relieved' through a solitary experience mediated by a screen.

For some people, this pattern can become compulsive, less a choice and more a reflex.

And it’s not the users fault.

These systems are engineered to capture attention and repeat behaviour.

2, Hyper-arousal and stimulation

More porn is produced every hour than you could ever dream to watch in a lifetime.

This includes an endless tapestry of scenarios, actors, locations, scripts and fetishes, all acted out, all edited, all perfected for us.

But.

When you are given abundance, the brain becomes restless and selective.

(Consider how people used to date compared to the invention of dating apps and an almost infinite number of partners)

Within very little time, almost all of it no longer appeals.

They clearly fill someone else's niche, otherwise they wouldn't have be made.

But not yours.

This, in itself is strange.

Imagine a very thirsty man being rescued by a boat but refusing to drink the water as it's not Evian.

How can someone seem so desperate but so selective?

In the case of porn, our pattern recognition brains quickly seek more and more novelty, and become underwhelmed and bored by what used to be totally exciting stimuli.

Sex is a finite game. Porn is infinite.

Real intimacy has limits – energy, emotion, time, another human being. Online sexual novelty does not.

There's only so much you feel you want to do, and your hormones dictate how much that is.

And whilst you might find yourself with a slightly higher sexual drive than your partner, it's probably not too different.

But you can log in to your phone any time and find an endlessly novel selection of women all appearing to be waiting for 'you'.

3. Disconnections with reality

The sex you see in porn is not reality.

It's not even close.

Firstly, there's a large difference between sex which involves you versus porn where you are watching others.

Most porn is not viewed from the Point Of View (POV) of one of the individuals.

Meaning, many viewers and becoming more accustomed to the watching, rather than participating in sex.

This becomes worrying. In a world where people feel they are able to select and choose who they can pretend to have sex with - without any actual effort or work that behalf, how does that change interactions between people in the regular world?

Of course, not all of this is settled science. But lived experience and emerging research point in similar directions.

There's less evidence/papers out there than you'd think, and I think the main problem is that shame hides almost all of this lived experience.

"Shame is the fear of not being worthy of connection, and shame needs: Secrecy, Silence, and Judgement"

-Brené Brown.

Following on from a Ted Talk with Eli Nash, who shared his story of overcoming a porn addiction - his main takeaway was that keeping this addiction silent and personal was the biggest challenge.

If you can find someone to share this with, you've cut the silence and secrecy - and you've got someone else to split the judgement with.

So, if these two emails have spoken out to you at all.

Share it with a friend you'd like to talk about this with.

Conversation is the opposite of secrecy.

Secrecy is a pillar of shame.

It might start a very healthy conversation, and be the first real step toward a more healthy human.

PS: Want a website to learn a little more about this - try Fight The New Drug .org here, you'll be amazed by the range of figures, easily broken down.

Cheers

Live by design, not default.

James - humans BEING

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