Hey ,

Last week was men's mental health week and I've been doing some talks on the subject. I'm focussing today on emotions.

Those pesky things that can totally ruin your life, even if - like me - you weren't that sure you had any...

I'll run you through

1. What they are,
2. Why men repress them
3. And why they're important

Next week, I'll share with you some solutions with you for going against 10,000 hours of repression.

Sound good?

Men, including me, get used to thinking of emotions as irritating side-products of living life.

We like the good ones: joy, laughter, contentment - but don't like the bad ones: sorrow, anger and anxiety.

Unfortunately (and sorry if you've not yet worked this out).

You can't have one without the other. Like day without night.

And it's not that men don't know this exactly.

It's that they start practicing repression of their emotions from a young age.

Because "those" emotions are weak, childish or girly.

Here are two things you should know, if nothing else from this email.

a)

Emotions are Energy in motion

b)

Emotions are felt in the body, and understood in the mind

a) Emotions are energy in motion.

Like all energy (if you remember school), it cannot be created nor destroyed.

This energy shows up in the body and you know it's there.

You'll feel it.

Anger: A white hot chest, pounding chest, shaking legs.

Depression and betrayal: A gut punch. A complete and utter loss of drive and purpose.

Of course, 'energy' is a generic word.

We're talking about real biochemistry. Hormones like cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline coursing through your body and mind.

And, any bloke thinking you can think your way out of being emotional should be asked to try and think his way out of being 7 pints deep and trying to drive home.

You're swimming in a hormonal soup - and something needs to be done to fix that.

(This is why women tend to get annoyed when men provide them with logical answers to feeling based (emotional) concerns and problems - more on that soon).

b) Emotions are felt in the body and understood in the mind

This isn't directly true, as it assumes emotions are always understood.

But they are felt in some form, and they need to be expressed and released.

Like gasses building in a pressure cooker.

These energies sit smouldering - causing agitation, confusion, pain and exhaustion.

Many men can't express them, because they don't know what they are/which one(s) they're feeling.

This is probably the main reason men are struggling so much currently in the West.

But it's not their really their fault.

There's biological and cultural reasons:

Biology

Men's sex hormones change their emotional chemistry.

They tend to act way before they understand why, or how they feel.

If you continue that cycle enough times, you shoot first, ask questions never.

Culture

We tell men they can't cry, so they repress.

We tell men they can't be angry, so they repress.

We tell men lots of things when it comes to sex. That's one big game of repression.

As adults.

After enough repetitions of being asked 'how do you feel' and drawing a blank: men just give up.

If they're lucky, they find a few things that can help them.

Exercise, deep chats with close ones, walking in nature, looking after themselves.

These things might allow them to release their un-understood, unfelt, uncertain emotions.

If you pull enough valves, you'll probably release the pressure by chance.

But you might miss something totally. An uncorked bottle ready to burst one dinner party.

Why are emotions important?

They tell us things.

Those survival stories we hear of police who just have a hunch they're about to be shot at.

The hackles that stand up when we're being lied to.

But, also, they tell us a lot about ourselves too.

What we like and don't like.

Who we like and don't like.

If we're not in touch with them... We'll make bad decisions.

We'll choose the wrong jobs, the wrong friends, the wrong holidays and the wrong partners.

A better analogy.

Many men live with the colours of life turned down.

Many men eat less spicy food.

It takes courage to delve into the depths of your emotions.

It takes work.

So many don't do it. Or even realise they need to.

As such, they live the wrong life, assuming that it's more money, success, status that will make them happy.

So, today's homework before I give you a proper toolkit and habit I'll be adopting, next week.

Read through these and ask yourself: Which one resonates best (if any)?

1 Quick to anger.

Things just annoy you without obvious reason. You've gone back to your child state. You're incredibly angry at things you don't understand, can't express or can't fix.

2 Stuck in quicksand.

You've got things to do, that never get done. Every decision is met with uncertainty, fear, ridiculous procrastination.

3 Thinking through feelings.

Your answer to any 'how do you feel?' question is some enthusiastic intellectualisation of your thoughts OR an honest, deflated 'I don't know'...

4 The proud stoic.

You'll boast to your friends, male/female that you never cry, don't feel much, are unphased by life...

But - deep down - you're bored of living in a sepia tone, you're jealous of those wearing rose-tinted glasses. You want change, but don't know how.

The good news...

Even if you are one of these, it's reversible.

Like learning an instrument, a new language, a new skill - you just require time and practice.

But mostly, you require bravery and motivation. Because it's actually easier not to feel.

So, hold on for next week.

Keep looking out the window.

James - humans BEING