How to Not Die Alone (book review)

Feb 07, 2023 4:14 pm

Logan Ury's book How to Not Die Alone(from

“Dating is harder today than ever before. We define our own identities, unlike our ancestors whose lives were defined by their communities. We have thousands of options at our fingertips, which makes us question our decisions. We’re uncomfortable making big decisions. Social media makes us believe that everyone else is in happier, healthier relationships than we are. We don’t have relationship role models. We’re bombarded with messaging that we have to get this right, and that the ‘right’ answer exists at all.”

Logan Ury is a data scientist at Hinge and this book is her Magnum Opus. It’s designed as an actionable and practical guidebook for dating better and dating often.

With years of data research and personal stories from her dating coaching clients, Logan breaks down how single people often get in their own way…starting with the three dating tendencies:

1. Romanticizer: You want the soul mate, the happily ever after—the whole fairytale. You love love. You believe you are single because you haven’t met the right person yet. Your motto: It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen.

2. Maximizer: You love doing research, exploring all of your options, turning over every stone until you’re confident you’ve found the right one. You make decisions carefully. And you want to be 100 percent certain about something before you make your choice. Your motto: Why settle?

3. Hesitater: You don’t think you’re ready for dating because you’re not the person you want to be yet. You hold yourself to a high standard. You want to feel completely ready before you start a new project; the same goes for dating. Your motto: I’ll wait until I’m a catch.

Here are some of my biggest takeaways

• seek Life Partners: people trustworthy and reliable, and who will stay with you for the long haul; avoid Prom Dates: individuals fun in the short term, but who ultimately let you down

• superficial qualities like looks or money matter less in long-term relationship success than people think they do—lust fades and people adapt to their circumstances, the same is true for shared hobbies and similar personalities; what to look for in a Life Partner: emotional stability and kindness, loyalty, growth mindset, personality that brings out the best of you, skills to fight well, ability to make hard decisions with you

• in the end, a relationship is about what happens when you two are together—focus on who you’re being when this person is around, you can even ask your close friends, “What am I like when you see me with my partner?”

• the Monet Effect: when we see only a rough sketch of someone, our brains (hoping for a great outcome), fill in the gaps with flattering details—then when we discover their inevitable flaws they seem worse than they actually are…then we look for something better, feeling like the grass is always greener just over the horizon

• dating apps cause us to focus on the wrong things—we value what gets measured and apps can only measure superficial traits, so they exacerbate our shallowness; apps overwhelm us with choices and make us indecisive, they create a habit of relation-shopping: comparing and contrasting people as if they’re potential purchases

• to meet more people in real life: go to more events, get set up by friends and family, and build the habit of connecting with strangers out and about

• 10 steps to better dates:

  1. shift your mindset with a pre-date ritual
  2. choose the time/date of the date thoughtfully
  3. opt for a creative activity
  4. show your work, let your date know how much effort you put into the date
  5. play
  6. skip the small talk
  7. be interested, not interesting
  8. limit phone use, keep it out of sight
  9. end on a high note
  10. use the post-date 8 to shift to the experimental mindset

• the post-date 8 questions:

  1. what side of me did they bring out?
  2. how did my body feel during the date?
  3. do I feel more energized or drained than before the date?
  4. is there something about them I’m curious about?
  5. did they make me laugh?
  6. did I feel heard?
  7. did I feel attractive in their presence?
  8. did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

• f*ck the spark—instant fireworks is not a sign that this relationship will be happy and healthy, it could actually distract you from red flags

Every single person should read this book. Every person in a relationship should read this book so they can gift it to their single friends. ❤️