#241 – How will conflict help you grow?

Most people find conflict uncomfortable. It brings up emotions that often devolve into red faces and raucous voices, clenched fists and slammed doors. Wanting to prevent it seems sensible.

During the pandemic, a global entertainment company hired me to coach a team that wasn't functioning. The leader was on the verge of burnout. She'd "inherited" the team in this "stuck" state, and felt unable to turn them into an effective, cohesive team.

One day I asked, "how do you, as a team, approach conflict?"

After a tense silence, the longest-standing member spoke out. "We don't want conflict," she said. "We feel it's not helpful because it's just drama and nothing ever gets resolved."

I later learned that there'd been a huge confrontation between two members years before, resulting in a firing and a reorganization.

That was where their "stuckness" came from. Refusing to address the gigantic elephant in the room by proactively eschewing conflict, they couldn't get aligned on anything else.

Conflict is necessary for any relationship to evolve, but it has to be handled well.

When navigated effectively, conflict allows us to see where people stand about the issue at hand, and what's important for all involved in the relationship.

From there, with everyone's fears, dreams, and aspirations out in the open, we can set the course of where we want to go next.

But we get into trouble when we allow our Ego and the Ghosts to intervene.

In the team's case, some members' Ghost of Misplaced Guilt blamed the member involved in the confrontation. This person's Ghost of Need to Prove defended their innocence. The leader's Ghost of Isolation made her feel unseen, and someone else's Ghost of Undervaluing made them feel incapable of effecting change.

If only they let go of their defenses and said what they really wanted to say...

How will your relationships grow when you allow conflict to unfold naturally?

Love,

Carolina