#220 – Is this resistance or your True Self saying no?

Having the right answer to this question would save us all time, heartbreak, and headaches.

In February of 2018, four months into my tenure at the global communication consulting firm in New York, I heard a voice in my head while zipping up my left knee-high burgundy boot. "I need another job," the voice said, accompanied by a stiff ball in the pit of my stomach.

I stood up from the bed and straightened up my blouse, attempting to brush off that feeling from my gut.

With long, resounding strides across the hardwood floor, I rushed to the door to be catch the commuter bus to Port Authority through the nightmare of Lincoln Tunnel at rush hour.

All day I was worried and sad. Alone in the 20th floor drafty office overlooking Fifth Avenue, I tried to learn the workshop content I'd soon need to deliver. But something inside pushed against it. Every time I opened the file, the knot in my stomach wrung tighter. So I went to the bathroom. Fixed myself a coffee. Went on LinkedIn. Refreshed my email.

The content just couldn't get through me, and I grew sadder and sadder, more and more concerned. Plus, my boss, who was supposed to give me feedback on a presentation I'd done at our Global Offsite, was avoiding me.

I wanted the job because it paid well and involved interesting travel. But everything inside of me was saying, "No!"

That evening, at the supermarket register, I had another thought: "I have to make this work."

And so I stayed. For months I kept fighting what I thought was resistance, laziness, or incompetence. My Ego and the Ghost of Misplaced Shame told me to stay. The Ghost of Need to Prove urged me to "invest" in a coach and become the consultant my boss wanted me to be.

Little by little, I buried my True Self under layers of fake empowerment and dedication – which was really fear of rejection and shame for being so different.

In the two additional years I stayed, I died a little every day. I cried, stood being bullied, ignored, and lied to by my boss, and tolerated a pay cut.

New York winters became unbearably dark for my soul, and I finally left – wounded.

I don't regret staying because the experience allowed me to evolve, personally and financially. But could I have been happier and more fulfilled had I listened to my gut that February morning, as I zipped up my boot?

What would you quit if you really listened to your True Self?

Love,

Carolina