#152 – When will you drop the "sins" you're carrying?

A few years back, I accepted an engagement without fully understanding what the client wanted. Instead of asking questions until I was certain I could help the client in the way they needed, I said yes to everything and then did what I wanted.

Which wasn't what the client wanted.

The result was a ruined commercial relationship and a wound I carried for years.

For years, the Ghost of Need to Prove and the Ghost of Misplaced Shame/Guilt breathed down my neck every time I thought of that event, triggering in me all sorts of Ego-driven self-protection strategies:

• "It wasn't really my fault because I sent them the agenda and they agreed"
• "The team wasn't collaborative enough"
• "I shouldn't have accepted the engagement – I need to pay for my mistake"

In my desperation to atone for my sins, I withdrew my invoice and wrote a whole essay on my lack of business acumen, like a self-castigating act of mea culpa.

In the Zen story "Two monks and a woman," two monks who've vowed to never touch a woman, find one, scared to cross a river. The older monk takes her in his arms to the other side of the river. A few hours later, the young monk asks him how he could've done such a sinful act – they'd vowed to never touch a woman! He responds: "Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”

That's what I'd done with my "sin" with that particular client and all the other "sins" I'd committed in my life.

Because I carried them around all the time, the Ghost of Need to Prove made me show everyone that, despite my sins, "I'm a really good person." So I always justified my "shouldn't-haves," my mistakes, the actions I took that didn't lead to the desired outcome.

What was I telling myself? That some things are good and some are bad and that I can tell the difference. I was held hostage by my Ego, who, every time I attempted to set down my sins, shook its head and clucked its tongue.

But now I understand: once the river is crossed, it's time to let the woman go. That understanding sets me free.

How might setting down your "sins" change your path forward?

Love,

Carolina