#17–Behind the grudges we hold

I think the biggest grudge I hold (maybe the only one) is against my sister. 

I’ve tried to forgive her, and to forgive myself for secretly not wanting to forgive her. But the mere thought of letting go of this resentment scares me.

Who would I be without it?

I’ve created my life story on the basis of having a big sister who was an addict since I was seven and screwed the whole family up in all imaginable ways.

A lot of that’s-why-s––also known as “victimhood mentality”––come after this premise. 

Always carrying my poor-little-thing identity, feeling like Calimero, haplessly walking from door to door, in the middle of a winter night, big, round tears about to stream down his big, round eyes. 

And some kind of “but you don’t understand” feeling. Like I deserve to feel more miserable than people around me, because, you know, the premise. And like rules don’t apply to me because, you know, I’m not like the others. Because there’s a real reason for my underperformance.

But if I now let go of this grudge, I have to create a new narrative.

I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and step into my full power.

I have to start asking more from myself.

I have to perform at my level.

And so, who would I be? Who will I be?

Who do I commit to becoming?

And you?

Love,

Carolina