#259 – How did your Ghosts enter your mind?

The Ghosts and the Ego are self-protective mechanisms we develop in childhood.

We do it because, when we're little, the outside world is incomprehensible. To make sense of the apparent chaos, we turn to ourselves: "I must be responsible for what's happening – otherwise it's too scary."

One Wednesday when I was seven, my mother forgot to pick me up from after-school activities.

I watched all the cars leave with their smiling kids inside as I stood there, with my faux-leather bulky book-bag hanging on my back.

When even the school administrators had left and the sky was darkening, I knew my mother wasn't coming. I started walking down the road, crying.

In my mind? "I'm giving too much trouble to my mom, she has so much work and here I am, making her leave early to come pick me up. What, just because I want to stay in theatre and ballet? Pfff, ridiculous." My Ghost of Misplaced Guilt was born, making me learn that, if something goes wrong, it must be my fault.

Or, whenever I asked for something out of the ordinary, my grandma would reply with a burdened expression, "¡Qué caprichosita eres, rica!" [how whimsical you are, dear]. In contrast, when I accepted with a good girl smile whatever was given to me (even when I didn't want it), I was rewarded with love and attention.

I got the memo: my desires were a burden – giving birth to my Ghost of Undervaluing and Undercharging. As a business owner, it led me to value praise and admiration over fair compensation for my work.

The self-awareness I've developed over the years helps me look the Ghosts in the eye and tell them I don't need their help – I hope I can help you, too.

But what I realized yesterday, listening to Lindsay C. Gibson's book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, is that living with emotionally immature caregivers made me internalize this sense of 'responsibility for the world.'

Emotionally immature parents are so overwhelmed by their children's feelings (and potentially their own), that they block this part of the relationship, making the child learn that emotions should never be part of relationships.

Because they don't tend to or validate their child's emotions, the child learns that it's safer to just suppress them, whenever possible.

Dr. Gibson's book is revelatory – if what I'm saying here resonates, I'd urge you to read it.

What did you feel inappropriately responsible for, growing up?

Love,

Carolina