#8–Codependency, shame, and the secrets we keep

Growing up in a codependent family, I learned three fundamental patterns:

1. I'm responsible for everyone's emotions
2. Someone else is always responsible for my feelings
3. There are no clear boundaries between me and the others

Unlearning these patterns and erasing their life-long implications from our thinking and behavior is the only way that we can grow.

1. When you make yourself responsible for everyone's emotions, you strive to:

• people-please
• charm your way to getting what you want
• keep the peace
• avoid conflict
• be a clown
• be cute
• be a child
• be a martyr
• be a savior

2. If someone else is always responsible for your emotions, then you:

• feel like a victim
• complain that things happen to you
• pout and sulk
• feel abandoned when others are living their lives
• don't take responsibility for your health, wealth, and wellbeing
• don't give yourself permission to be and do you
• don't take ownership of your life

3. No clear boundaries between you and others means that you:

• accept anything that others do to you (ridicule, abuse, harass, mock, scare...) with a good face because "we're only joking!"
• ridicule, abuse, harass, mock, scare others expecting they won't push back because "we're only joking!"
• make other people's secrets your own because you're one with the others
• feel shame when someone else has a problem because it must be your fault even if you have no clue what you might have done to cause their pain
• are ashamed to express your needs that aren't being met, because, since you're one with the others, they should know what you need. If they don't, it must mean that what you think are needs must be just whims (as opposed to legitimate needs)
• feel that having those needs is wrong
• are wrong, selfish, and a bad person

Unless you erase these three patterns and their implications, you won't be able to stand in your full power. You won't know what you want, or if you do, you'll be ashamed to declare it and act upon your desire.

17 years ago, a dear mentor-friend said to me: "I hope that someone with power puts you in the position you deserve." She meant well, but her words didn't help me.

I kept waiting, hoping that someone'd give me a slip: "you are allowed to want more."

I'm no longer waiting. Are you?

Love,

Carolina