#432 – What drives your dissatisfaction with life?

"I'm never upset for the reason I think," A Course In Miracles says.

What this means is that your Ego is always looking for the culprit of its fear. Some one or some thing must be to blame, so, a quick scan of its surroundings and boom, it points its ghastly finger.

You then get a pang of that fear in the form of your self-punishment of choice.

Yesterday I'd promised myself I'd go back to building the Udemy course I'd started to build months ago. But first, I had to write my daily mini-essay.

But first: clean the kitchen, do laundry, shower, go grocery-shopping, do morning pages.

Seeing my red composition book, I noticed something weird: the low-grade "malaise" I'd been feeling all morning became more defined, more palpable.

I started writing about what I'd done so far and the time each activity had taken me, and soon I was writing about the "malaise." I wanted to put the finger on its cause: my son's future? His present? My job prospects? My future?

I remembered the moment when, doing the breakfast dishes, I'd thought about what I'd write about today. How my stomach had churned. How I'd deleted that thought under the hot water, as I rinsed my mug.

Ah! The "malaise" came from inside: it was the fear––of not knowing what to write about. Of not being able to write. It colored my experience of the day and, if I allowed it, it'd color all my life, like a ph-test strip changing colors when it touches the testing liquid.

Now I know: my internal resistance to writing (re: my Ego's fear) manifests itself in a low-grade malaise I can't seem to shake off. Until I get to work, that is.

Then, once I come here and start typing, it dissipates and I see the sunshine again.

What dissatisfaction with life might be covering up the shape of your internal resistance?

Love,

Carolina