#439 – What conditions do you need to ease your grip on life?

When control is your default mode, triggered is your state. Because nothing ever goes as planned, there's always a reason for edginess.

A couple nights ago, I was reading in bed while the heavy, tropical rain was roaring outside my bedroom windows and the roof. Everything else was silent. I noticed how at peace I felt.

It was as though the rain was shielding me from life, and I wondered, "What's really going on here?"

I recalled that afternoon in Madrid, my son was two weeks old, when a deep silence enveloped the city as the unusual snow began to fall. My baby asleep, snow falling outside, I had nowhere else to be. This was the definition of peace.

Why did I (and still do) feel peace when my son is asleep, I asked myself, basking in the comforting feeling of "nowhere else to be?"

Then it came to me: when the weather makes it impossible for me to go outside, I get a permission slip to stay inside. Thus, I don't need to feel guilty for not doing anything outside.

When my son is asleep, I get a permission slip to stop controlling. Thus, I don't need to feel guilty for doing the wrong thing or not helping enough or not achieving the desired results printed in the "Perfect-Mother Almanac" my Ego installed in my brain. I don't need to be triggered by anything he does––another coffee, at this hour? More video-games? Still talking with that girl?

I closed my book and my eyes and prayed to feel I've nowhere else to be, even when it's safe to go outside and my son is awake.

What permission slip for peace will you give yourself to ease your grip on life?

Love,

Carolina