#137 – Who felt disrespected?

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Working with clients, especially in the corporate world, I often recommend Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as an effective process to broach a difficult conversation. In its deepest form, NVC is a process that allows both parties in a conversation to strengthen their connection.

For my clients, I focus on a simplified four-step sequence that helps a speaker tell someone something they find difficult to say

Step 1: The speaker describes (without judging or giving an opinion) the thing that happened.

Step 2: They state how they felt about the thing/event/behavior that was observed (again, not judged). They use "I statements" and speak from their own perspective.

Step 3: They express what they need in this situation.

Step 4: They ask the other person if they'd be willing to help them meet that unfulfilled need.

An example could be:

"(1) Yesterday you said that my presentation to the board was incomplete and not up to standard. (2) Hearing that, I felt uncertain of my work. (3) To deliver my best work, I need to have clarity on the scope and expectations of my role. (4) So, could you please help me understand these better?"

The central idea is that we are the creators of our own internal experience, even if that experience seems triggered by something outside. When we take responsibility for our feelings and ask for help meeting our needs, we do so knowing we can handle a 'no' – because this isn't about manipulating others to feel ok.

In step #2, I find that clients often say things like, "disrespected," "ignored," "judged," of "insulted."

Here's the key point: saying "I felt judged when you said that' is really saying 'you judged me and I felt bad because of it." When we use words like "judged," we're subtly blaming others for our feelings rather than taking responsibility for them.

And who inside us tends to accuse others for our emotions? You got it: the Ego.

Next time you feel "disrespected," "ignored," "judged," or "abandoned," ask yourself, "Knowing that I'm the architect of my own emotions, how did that event make me feel?"

The answer will reveal the true source – yourself – and remind you that you're always at choice.

What emotional responsibilities within yourself are you avoiding by pointing at others?

Love,

Carolina