#32–Is the Ghost of Giving Our Time Away keeping you small?

Helping others feels good, I know. But when is helping others a way to stay safe in my smallness?

Back in high school, I was really "preoccupied" with my friend Cristina. Her relationship with her sister and parents was difficult–she cried a lot and felt misunderstood and unseen. She didn't fit in the catholic school she went to, she liked two boys and couldn't choose...

So, as the "good friend" that I was, I spent all my time thinking about her and her struggle. Solutionizing her life for her.

Meanwhile, my own sister was a heroin addict, my parents were filled with anxiety and anti-anxiety medication (but hid their own struggle to even their closest friends), my grades were lousy, and I had high cholesterol.

But of course, I couldn't take care of myself... because I needed to help Cristina!

Until one day, listening to Mme. Vincent in Latin class, the thought came to me that I was wasting my time trying to solve problems that weren't mine–and keeping secrets that weren't mine either. That I'd better focus on getting my sh*t sorted out first.

That happened almost 40 years ago, but it wasn't the last time I gave my time away without any clear benefit (for me or anyone involved).

The Ghost of Giving Our Time Away has been a constant hindrance to my growth. For example:

• PTA meetings that went nowhere and weren't enjoyable either
• worrying about people whom I couldn't really save (because you can't really save anyone else)
• engaging in various types of drama
• enabling people's addictive behaviors by constantly trying to save them and making myself responsible for their emotional mess

Now I know why I did it. Because looking at myself with clear-eyed intention and doing what I wanted to do (really wanted to do) was too scary.

To what/whom have you given your time away with no clear benefit to you or anyone involved?

Love,

Carolina