#423 – What's the true intention of your compulsive helpfulness?

I used to be that person: as soon as I landed somewhere, I started "fixing" the place.

From inventing better solutions for the daily problems faced, to bringing food to the office, to providing public transportation routes (before Google Maps existed).

One day, when an intern at the research lab where I was doing my PhD attempted to solutionize for me, in the way I'd done for others, my face went red. I saw what she was doing: she wanted to be awesome for me. She wanted me to admire her and find her helpful and smart. Yikes. That was me.

But wanting others to find us awesome isn't the worst, most dangerous part of compulsive helpfulness.

Believing that others need help specifically from me is. The poison is my needing them to need my help.

And it's poison because I'm telling them: you can't succeed without my help because you're less [mature, smart, strategic, strong, meticulous, disciplined] than I am.

And it's poison because the urge to help isn't to improve someone's life––it's to help me fill a hole inside.

I may disguise it as generous, but it's selfishness. Like eating a pain-au-chocolat and proclaiming I did it to help the baker.

Yesterday, I made the self-commitment to be like Ulysses when sailing near the sirens: I'll tie myself to the mast so that I don't jump to "help" my son.

I realized that my wanting to "fix" him was for me. I did it because seeing him struggle makes me struggle. I attempted to end his struggle to end mine.

But if I did (if anyone has ever succeeded at saving anyone else), I'd be keeping him "inept" at ending his own struggles. Then, he'd become a solutionizer for others so he could find inner peace. And others would resent him the way he'd started to resent me.

What poisoned helpfulness will you cut so that you strengthen your Self and allow others to grow?

Love,

Carolina