#80 – Who taught us shame?

Feeling shame is pre-programmed in us. It may be time to reset our brain.

Some say shame serves a societal purpose: to keep our behavior within the norms of the society we live in.

In reality, shame has an Ego purpose: if I behave "within the norms of the society I live in," I'm less likely to be shunned and hence, more likely to survive.

Needless to say, if shame worked, we'd all be studious, fit, free from addictions, well-behaved on the road, and pay our taxes on time.

But somehow the Ghost of Misplaced Shame has made it into the collective brain, and spends its time and energy propagating group-think and meaningless allegiances.

Jesuit Fr Tom Weston put it poignantly in The Five Rules of Being a Grown-up (quoted by Anne Lamott):

1. You must not have anything wrong with you, or anything different about you.

2. If you have something wrong or different about you, you really need to correct it. You need to be able to pass under all circumstances.

3. If you can’t correct it, or change it in any way, you should just pretend that you have. It’s not a problem anymore. Good news!

4. If you can’t even pretend to have corrected the situation, you should just not show up, because it’s very painful for the rest of us to see you in your current condition.

5. If you’re going to insist on showing up, you should at least have the decency to be ashamed.

The reason shame is meaningless and the Ghost of Misplaced Shame is lying? What may be considered "wrong" in one society or one era might be considered venerable in a different one (think: sexual behaviors, fashion guidelines, beauty canons...).

So, why abide by such arbitrary impositions? Why not following one's heart, being true to our true selves?

What were you taught was "wrong" about you only to later discover it was your superpower?

Love,

Carolina