#515 – What do you need to know in order to feel safe?

We believe that knowing will save us from disaster. It won't. What happens is that the illusion of knowing saves us from the anxiety of uncertainty.

I'm tired of that. Of thinking I know when in fact I'm clueless about everything.

For the past year, I've known so many things that turned out to be false. I was certain that this or that or the other would happen and then the contrary did.

Yesterday, I realized that this form of speculation was just my Ego and the Ghost of Need to Prove self-soothing.

Because it's so freaking hard to sit there, not knowing.

If we'll be able to find a rental property. If my son's transfer will be approved. If I'll find more well-paid work in the near future.

All those ifs sent my Ego and the GoNtP into overdrive and, instead of opening my hand and letting them go do their thing, I held tight, causing me to trail them like a kite's tail.

The result was more anxiety. When some made up rationale seemed to make sense, I believed it. I convinced myself (and others) that that imaginary thing would become a reality, and, for a few hours, I would breathe.

Then came the truth, and with it, the crash. Overdrive again. Make something else up.

So, last night, I told my husband, "I'm tired of knowing things because the truth is I don't know anything. So, from now on, I choose to not know."

Whatever unfolds, I'll take it as the reality that's mine to live. I'll do whatever I can to serve the moment in front of me, allowing it to be.

How might dropping the need to know free you from your Ego?

Love,

Carolina