#69 – What part of you wants to be seen?

I'm grateful for my sister's accusation because it allowed me to break free of my fear of not being perfect.

Her claim was that I had an ulterior motive all along, and that once I achieved my hidden objective, I’d abandoned her.

Being so used to my codependent family’s lack of boundaries, I second-guessed my own intentions.

Was it true? I'd been accused of so many hidden motives by my "mind-reading" father that I entertained the possibility that this time, too, I was unaware of what had really driven my actions.

“Maybe it’s true,” I thought. “Maybe I planned all this because I wanted to take revenge for all the pain she’d inflicted.”

For days, I sat in silence and journaled, trying to uncover the true motivation behind my actions.

Revenge? It wasn’t that. I’d forgiven her.

Whom I hadn’t forgiven was myself: for not being able to stop her from being an addict when I was a child. For my inability to erase my parents' suffering, which everyone, including herself, attributed to her addiction. And for not being able to save her now that our parents were no longer here to do it.

Her text, with unescapable clarity, forced me to face the truth: I wasn’t perfect. I am not perfect.

I hadn’t had an ulterior motive; I’d made a mistake. Costly, but honest.

Was I not allowed to make mistakes?

Judging by how I read the words in her text—and by everything I remembered from my childhood and teenage years—I wasn’t.

Then I thought of my mother. She hadn’t allowed herself to be imperfect, either. And when she faltered, she blamed others for demanding that she be perfect.

Was I also blaming others for my self-inflicted pressure to be perfect? Yes.

“Because,” my fear said, “not being perfect puts you at risk. People reject you when you’re not perfect.”

So that was it. And it wasn’t my fault. Wanting to be perfect is a natural, ego-driven survival instinct. It’s ok to fear not being perfect.

The only way we can disempower it is by inviting it in. As the Buddhist teaching says, “I see you, Mara (the demon of temptation and doubt). Let’s have tea.”

What part of you wants to be seen and accepted by you?

Love,

Carolina

PS: I can't recommend Tara Brach's work enough. Her books, talks, and RAIN meditations got me through that difficult time. You can listen to her latest talk here.