#93 – Martyrdom and salvation – who benefits?

My codependent family of origin was a master of manipulation.

The "entity" that was The Family (not any specific member, but the relationship itself) trained us to play out a vicious cycle:

• Person A feels bad for some reason.
• Person A searches for the culprit behind their discomfort; if none is found, someone steps in to claim blame (like an "I'm Spartacus" moment).
• As the victim of another's actions, Person A feels justified in their anger, righteous even.
• The (self-)accused Person then feels guilty for causing harm (whether intentional or unintentional).
• Person A forgives them, adopting the role of the martyr.
• And by becoming the martyr, they "save" the person who caused the harm.

Who benefits from such an act?

No one, but in a relationship in which people haven't learned to be emotionally independent, healthy inter-dependency isn't possible. The only way to keep a system functioning (i.e., malfunctioning) is by attaching some poisonous strings.

Being victimized paid off, because with it came the puffed chest and the satisfied sigh of martyrdom, along with the magnanimous sense of walking on water while saving another.

And when everyone around you feels victimized (including yourself), you learn that you must be guilty, if not all the time, at least some of the time.

You learn the dance of, "I'm guilty, please, forgive me," and "I've been wronged, please, do something."

In sum, never whole, always lacking. Always needing someone to complete you.

What "wrongs" could you let go of to set yourself free?

Love,

Carolina