#264 – When does feedback become desire to control?

The ability to receive feedback is, experts say, a fundamental leadership skill.

I agree. Yet sometimes, feedback more than intended for the receiver's growth, it's a set of instructions for how to please the giver.

When this happens, you're in front of an emotionally immature adult – a parent, a friend, the CEO, or your boss.

It happened to me recently. I initiated a collaboration with two professionals in my field, with the idea of forming a longer-term partnership.

All was going well until we disagreed on a client-relationship approach – they sided together. After a week of tense conversations, I conceded. We went their way – and lost the business.

When I suggested we do a "postmortem" to reflect on what happened, they were deeply offended. One of them gave me unsolicited "feedback:" I was "assigning blame," "too attached," and needed help "letting go." This would be concerning – if it were true.

But it wasn't. I simply wanted to improve our process for next time – losing a client seems a clear indication that improvement is needed.

When I realized that anything I said was taken as a personal attack, I attempted one final face-to-face conversation before ultimately cutting contact.

Dr. Lindsay Gibson's book helped me understand that they fostered emotional enmeshment and punished my individuality. To them, a different opinion meant a personal attack.

Looking back, I recall moments that felt familiar: when one asked why I wasn't smiling more, or said I was "so easy to work with" – until I stopped finding all her ideas genius.

Feeling less experienced, I'd relinquished my power, re-entering my role of obedient daughter. But when I reclaimed my True Self, they rejected me – like emotionally immature parents, they wanted the role self to come back!

Emotionally mature adults foster growth and honor individuality. Immature ones demand conformity, and their feedback to you only serves their needs.

What feedback will you stop listening to so that you can listen to your True Self?

Love,

Carolina