#424 – How do you relate to "I want?"

Until yesterday, I had no idea I was a compulsive eater. Listening to Geneen Roth's Women, Food, and God, I learned I am one. Of the "restricter" type, specifically.

I love lists, rules, regimens (in fact, the Spanish word for diet is regimen). Tell me how many grams of oats I should eat every day and I will. Or tell me to quit sugar, oil, or salt, and consider it done!

Because what I love the most is "no!" When I was two, my nickname, I've been told, was "a menina não" [the no girl, in Portuguese]. Having learned I could control a small part of my life with that word, I used it with delight.

The "no!" is so integral to my identity, I'm realizing, that, for years, I didn't even dare to want things. Why would I, if the answer was always going to be "no!" A "no!" I continued to give myself, for fear that "yes!" would lead me to debauchery and destruction––as I'd seen around me.

In my "process coaching" class, when I was the client in an exercise, the coach asked me, "What is something you can't be with?" I don't remember what I said, but I remember how I visualized it and what happened next.

The worst that could happen to me, I saw, was eating a big, decadent chocolate cake with my hands, crumbs on my lips, fudge on my teeth. In my subconscious, this was synonymous with death.

I might have said I wanted something, but it was a want "from the mind," not "from the heart." In my heart, I only wanted one thing: thinness.

I said I wanted more money––but my heart just wanted less body.

I said I wanted to be a writer––but my heart just wanted to be thin.

I said I wanted stronger muscles––but my heart just wanted leaner legs.

But why thinness? What does thinness have that makes me feel safe? If my body is thin, I can trust myself to not self-destruct.

How did you learn to allow yourself to want and to have what you wanted?

Love,

Carolina