#490 – What else stops you from asking questions?

There's a saying in Spain: "he who asks ends up sweeping." That's one reason we avoid asking, so we don't end up tasked with a chore we didn't want to do.

But there's another strong reason not to ask: we don't want to hear the truth.

Growing up with an addict in the family, I learned to look for the signs: did she use or did she not? It was stressful and disappointing.

At one point, my father decided that it was easier for him to live with not knowing. So he stopped asking. He then stopped looking for signs and finally stopped seeing altogether.

Back then, I thought that was a mistake, that it wasn't helping.

But now I see it differently. As I catch myself wanting to control everything my son does (how much coffee he drinks, how many hours he sleeps, how much of this or that he eats), I notice that my constant monitoring doesn't help him. If anything it deepens my stress and makes my codependence stronger. Every question I ask, every sign I look for, every answer I get only feeds my illusion that I can control the outcome––that I can save him.

I now understand my father's wisdom. He wasn't giving up. He was refusing to let the addiction consume him too. He was choosing his own peace over the futile attempt to manage someone else's choices.

Because one thing is clear: no amount of questioning or "wanting to know the truth" will help an addict break free. Addiction is a journey only the addict can take, and my vigilance won't shorten it.

Who might you set free by quitting your vigilance?

Love,

Carolina