#19–Needs, boundaries, and the Ghost of Undervaluing

Growing up in a codependent family, I never learned to distinguish my feelings, desires, and needs from the needs, desires, and feelings of my parents and sister––I wrote about my codependent family here.

As a result, I mastered the art of:

• walking on eggshells (the last thing I wanted was to unleash someone's anger, disappointment, or a mere cold shoulder)
• showing my feelings, desires, and needs instead of verbally expressing them
• gauging other people's reactions in order to validate (or not) my feelings, desires, and needs

I thus learned that I didn't want things that I thought I wanted. I didn't even know what I wanted, unless other people validated my desires for me.

Ultimately, I learned to not want anything, and just accept what I was given. Whatever they didn't give me, it meant I shouldn't want it.

Like the time our neighbors took us on a day trip to a ski resort near Madrid. As we were getting back to the car, I told my mom, "I want to come back."

Without looking at me or losing her smile, she said, "No, 'coz it's too cold."

Ok, I convinced myself that no, I didn't want to come back.

Yet the following year for Christmas, I got a full ski set and a voucher for an 8-Saturday ski course.

Ok, so now I had to convince myself that yes, I did want to come back to the mountain.

Looking back now at all my business interactions over the past 25 years, I see how those codependent tendencies played out:

• whenever a prospect flinched at the price I gave, I started to negotiate against myself, offering discounts and adding bonuses
• whenever clients didn't show up to appointments, I didn't charge them for the no-show session (but then passive-aggressively showed them how I felt)
• I never asked for upfront payments, always accepted delays in payment, and "forgot" to ask clients that they pay
• I never asked for the payment until the client asked how much they owed me or, if it was a corporate client, asked me to send them the invoice

Because, above all, I didn't want to trigger someone's anger, disappointment, or a mere cold shoulder.

Whenever we allow others to shape our behavior, we're giving our power away and reducing our value.

I've learned that if I want to claim back my full value, I need to:

• set boundaries with determination and without guilt
• say what I want and need
• show up to life as I truly am, regardless of what others think of me (or react to, treat, behave towards me)

Are you standing in your full value?

Love,

Carolina