#44 – Are you trying to help or is this contempt?

The line between contempt and helpfulness can be blurry.

A few months ago, a business deal I was working on with another coach and her business partner fell through.

I offered to conduct a 'retrospective' to pinpoint the parts of the sales and negotiation process that we could improve going forward.

The coach viewed my proposal as proof that I was attached to the past and that I wanted to assign blame.

I said I wasn't and I didn't, I just wanted to improve our processes, if we were going to continue to work together.

She insisted: why can't you just move on?

I reasoned: ignoring what has made us lose the deal may get us similar results next time.

After some email back and forth she said: "I can coach you to get past this."

That is contempt.

Even when someone's intent is to be helpful, their offer to help will come across as contemptuous if they:

• doubt the other person's assertions about how they feel or what they think
• ignore their concerns
• dismiss their need to be heard
• refuse to hear their perspective

Whenever there's a sign of moral superiority, there's contempt.

Offering to coach me to "get past this," even though I'd never said I needed help to do, was like saying she knew things about me that I myself didn't – or couldn't see.

Even if her intent was really to help, the impact of her behavior was belittling and patronizing.

That experience made me aware of how easy it is to slip into contempt territory.

Now, if/when I think of offering to help someone, I make sure the impact of my offer really matches my intent to help.

Moreover, I take a hard look at my intent. If I see the tiniest sign that the Ghost of Need to Prove might be behind it, I hold back. If someone wants my help, I trust that they will ask for it.

When have you noticed a hidden agenda behind someone's offer to help?

Love,

Carolina