#425 – Why does transparency make your Ego cringe?

Reflecting on how I've told my son things in recent weeks, I realized I'd been "violent" (not "nonviolent") in my communication.

Nonviolent communication is based on the idea that you say what's going on inside. Then, you may ask the other person for help, telling them: "these are my needs, would you be willing to help me meet them?"

• Facts: what happened that made you feel "incomplete" (i.e. in fear)
• Impact: how you feel (speaking only in "I statements")
• Need: what I need in order to be complete (i.e. not in fear)
• Ask: "will you help me meet my need by doing XYZ?" (leaving room for them to say "no" without consequences)

But I was missing step 2!

Every time I heard my son making himself a Nespresso, my calculating self (aka my Ego), freaked out about the projected monthly costs.

I (without my Ego) tried to stay calm––let him enjoy the coffee. Let him feel cared for. Let him feel free to drink coffee whenever he wants to.

One day, my Ego saw an opening––I wasn't paying attention. Intending to stay off my True Self's radar, it came up with a ruse: make your son believe you have his best interest at heart.

I approached him: "Hey, don't you think you're having too much caffeine? Are you sure you'll be able to sleep?"

My son then started to drink even more coffee. Which triggered an even stronger reaction in my Ego: more calculations, how many more hours I'll need to work every month to sustain this, etcetera.

Thankfully, the nonviolent communication process came to mind, and the next day, I approached him again.

This time I told the truth: "the coffee you're drinking costs $1.6 per cup. I drink only one per day because of the price. When you drink three per day, thinking about the cost makes me anxious because..."

The exposure was making my Ego's papery skin crawl––he's gonna think you're stingy! That you don't care about him! That you want the good stuff only for yourself!

"Oh, shit!," my son interrupted. And then "Oops!"

I didn't need to say anything else. My transparency made my son see my thing with the coffee wasn't about him––it was about me. It sent my Ego into shame but it liberated me.

What truth about yourself will you expose instead of pointing a finger at someone else?

Love,

Carolina